Learning to Fly and Other Adventures

Doing well

2012-03-08T01:22:00.000-08:00

I have been doing well lately.

I did some cognitive behavioral therapy which helped a bit, I take a daily tryptophan and the occasional 1/2 a seroxat pill (which has immediate anti depressant effects as well as long term ones) if I wake up feeling depressed, because there is no cognitive behavioral therapy technique I have learned for waking up depressed.

I have also been taking 1/4 dexedrin once or twice a day every other day, and exercising on the alternate non dexedrin days. Dexedrin doesn't make me anxious like ritalin does or agitated like adderal, but it does make me a little manic (3 days of hyper activity followed by a crash) if I take it every day. It also causes sleep disturbances (which probably leads to the aforementioned crash).

Exercise has always helped me, but it only helps me if I am stable and happy enough to want to do the exercise. Dexedrin gives me a feeling of accomplishment and a can-do attitude even when I'm not on it, so I am in the mood to exercise more often now. I don't like to exercise ON dexedrin because I think it is a quick way to a heart attack, especially since I don't actually have a prescription for dexedrin or seroxat and am not being monitored by a doctor. I used to eat handfuls of ecstasy and dance for hours on end but I think I would stop dancing if my heartrate got too high, whereas with exercise the whole point is getting your heartrate high.

That, and I'm less reckless now.

I have started getting into running again. I spent the whole month+ of february sick with 3 different illnesses so when I started running my lungs just didn't have the capacity for me to push myself physically. Since this past Sunday I have run 6.5 miles with a yoga class after each run.

I might start meditating again. Like exercise, I can only meditate when I'm in a good enough mood.

Things are good.

Inès de La Fressange aka rich people beauty

2012-03-07T03:18:00.000-08:00

I don't often pay attention to fashion and beauty, but I am always amazed at how many female fashion designers/stylists/editors/photographers wear no makeup at all. Many wear only light makeup but there are some who wear absolutely zero.

Here is a shortened version of an interview that showed up on Into the Gloss, an insiders fashion industry blog, with Inès de La Fressange, a wealthy french aristocrat who was the muse of Karl Lagerfield in the 80s, and is now a designer and consultant for Jean-Paul Gaultier.

“After years and years of trying different hair products, and makeup, I can say I have had everything…I have tried everything. I understood very late that after a while, you have to be a bit comfortable and that people are not looking at you precisely—it’s a general feeling. But it took me years to understand that they are not looking at how your eyelashes are... It’s sad that all that you know when you are old, you learn when you are old. You try things, you have the feeling that you need things, when you are young. You think that if you have the right nail color it will change your life. It is good to have few products that are very good quality. I was feeling guilty to buy one Chanel foundation when I was young, but I would buy tons of nail polish or lipstick, for the same price it would cost me to buy one more expensive product. I guess you learn with time, you don’t need a bathroom full of everything.

I used to wash my hair every morning, but sometimes I think it looks better not totally clean. I think it is awful to have your hair too well done. When you are young, it looks cheap to have your have your hair perfect, and when you are old, it looks tacky. It looks like you want to look wealthy, which is very vulgar.

I think it is good to take care of yourself, but it shouldn’t show. I hate, for instance, when women have things on their nails, like a French manicure. I think that sometimes women do too much—they put earrings, and color, and necklace, and the lipstick, and fake eyelashes, and fake hair—it’s a nightmare. And I think it’s better to keep a bit of wrinkle here and there; I see these bizarre faces, and after people tell me they have had Botox or fillers, I don’t realize—I just find they have a funny face. [Laughs] Blogs and magazines should explain that it’s fine not to do this. You know, people are not looking at exactly how many wrinkles you have—they don’t care so much. I mean you are old, I am old, it will show…you are not fooling anyone.
The thing I know, it is important to take care of yourself. My mother told me when I was younger to stay out of the sun, or to put a lot of sunscreen on. Not every few hours like they say on the packet, but every hour.

I never exercise, I don’t have time…and anyway, why would I pay a fortune to suffer [laughs] when I can walk ten miles around Paris? I go by stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. I carry things. It’s important to move and do things. Of course I should exercise. But to take care of yourself, you have to know what are your priorities, and not get too stressed about doing everything perfectly. You always have to think, ‘I’m healthy, people I like are healthy, I have not such a bad life.’

People you admire, they are not always famous. The people who are truly important to you in your life are not the movie stars; it might be your aunt or something, not someone especially rich. The people who have really had the influence on you are not the young, rich and famous people, you know? That’s why I like all these blogs, because it’s not the celebrities, the red carpet people who have the best—it’s the people in the queue for the fashion show, and you see a nice handbag, and maybe the face is nice, you think, ‘Where did you find your thing?’ It’s not the ones who all look alike.

For hair and beauty it can be the same. There is this big trend of hair being a bit badly done, on purpose. But it was just someone maybe in the beginning, in an office, or a hairdresser that thought it would be quite cute for it to be a bit undone. It’s like for food, the creative people, when they invent something by using carrots because they didn’t have potatoes? And then it tastes much better with carrots? For me fashion and beauty is a lot like this too. I love the idea of accidents. But I think nowadays, people are too afraid to have identity, personality; I think we need examples, we need icons for people to follow…but at a certain time, one needs courage. It goes for everything, I don’t like this idea that you need a lot of things—it’s totally untrue. I think everything starts by an accident, and everything can be a beautiful accident. But I always say to a young girl when she says, ‘Shall I cut my hair?’ I say, ‘It’s hair, you know it grows, make things, try color,’ because it will come back. In youth it’s okay to take a risk, but no tattoos, no things that stay.”

Birth control and employer insurance

2012-03-04T10:53:00.000-08:00

The US has gone bananas.

When did birth control become a legitimate political issue?

How does the amount of sex you have increase the number of birth control pills you need to take for it to be effective?

Why is it a bigger deal for an employer to pay for insurance that covers birth control pills (which are also commonly used for other non-pregnancy prevention medical purposes) for their employees than it is for the employer to not provide insurance at all?

Why does someone get to say they don't want their tax dollars going to contraception and be accommodated, but someone else doesn't get a choice about their tax dollars going into military expenditures that are killing unarmed civilians overseas?

Why is government funded contraception offensive again?

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Deep down I feel like this is the whipping boy/aunt sally that the social conservatives are using to get us to stop talking about abortion.

You can be pro-life and pro-choice at the same time

But unprotected sex gives you unwanted pregnancies, and more abortions, SO NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE TO ME.

Women's work is never done

2012-02-14T09:06:00.001-08:00

In 1886, life was a struggle, you worked from sunrise until sunset (unless you were rich and paid someone to do all that work for you) so while the woman of 1886 was boiling laundry, her husband would have been out doing some other kind of barely mechanized work. Splitting tasks based on gender makes sense when there is so much work to do, and learning a certain degree of specialization makes an individual's work more effective. But despite all her hard work the woman of 1886 would have not been able to vote, would have been barred from many professions, and would only just have been able to keep her own property once married thanks to the Married Women's Property Acts of the 19th century.

Mechanization made life so much easier for every one, from farming to manufacturing to house work, machines revolutionized society. You don't need a dishwasher, a coffee maker and microwave, but washing clothes (and sheets and towels and and and...) by hand is so laborious, I would argue that a modern society needs washing machines to run. Especially now that we don't have one designated person (the woman) to deal with all of the house chores since so many women work outside the home.

Like 2011 woman. Look at her, she is clearly a working woman with her suit skirt and collared shirt she conveys the message that she is a busy woman with a job outside the home and this washing machine makes life a little easier for her.

The problem is, now that men and women BOTH work outside of the home, there is no reason laundry should be women's work. Especially since the washing machine makes it so damn easy...not to mention if you have a dryer too (which I don't) laundry is practically an automatic process...all you have to do is move the piles around and then fold when done. Presto chango, your dirty laundry becomes clean, the grueling work of 1886 woman has been long forgotten.

It is sad that this company thinks putting a woman wearing a suit in their ad is forward thinking or modern. If they really wanted to illustrate the revolutionary changes that THEIR product caused, they should show a man doing laundry. 125 years later.

Nominated for a Liebster award

2012-02-07T13:46:00.000-08:00

This is shocking to get since I never expected anyone to actually read my blog.

What is a Liebster? Liebster means 'dearest' or 'favourite' in German, and the Liebster Award is awarded to five up-and-coming blogs by the awards’ previous recipients, who in turn are expected to pass it on.

(It's a little bit like a game of sardines, as far as I can tell)

I was nominated by the blogger Chrisa Hickey, a mother of 3 kids, 2 of whom have various mental illnesses. She blogs at The Mindstorm: Raising a Mentally Ill Child as well as at some mental health resource sites around the net. The first time I came across her I thought she was an awesome take charge woman and I would like to be her when I grow up :) I would totally nominate her for a Leibster but I think this is supposed to flow onwards and outwards, not in circles.

You should check out the people she nominated as well

The first blog I'll nominate is Sex, Art, and Politics, which is written by an incredibly smart and interesting bi/genderqueer bipolar nursing student named Danny who lives in Chicago. Danny does a good job at explaining WHY ze thinks something, or WHY it is incorrect to do something. The blog is sssooooo NSFW on occasion. (for real) I have no idea how to tell how many followers ze has since it's a tumblr blog (I don't even know if tumblr blogs are eligible for Leibster's) but my google reader says 58 people subscribe so I'll go with that. [Edit: Danny just told me he has more than 200 followers BUT you should go read his blog anyways]

The next blog I'll nominate is Loose Leaf Writing, it is infrequently updated but the posts are always really good. Alexa O is a teacher, a mom, and a writer. She also writes about politics a lot but in an interesting editorial (read: english essay) style. I find her insights into her students to be entertaining, and she is the one who convinced me that twitter wasn't a horrible idea. (So if you follow me on twitter, it's all her fault)

Another good blog by a writer/blogger is Ben Hewitt (self titled blog) he has written a book on local food and another book on food safety (I haven't read either) he lives on a small farm/homestead in the woods in Vermont with his partner and two boys. Again, I have no idea how many subscribers he has, but my google reader says 117.

Another farmer I follow is the curious farmer, who lives in Wisconsin. He is married to a famous-ish blogger but his blog is quite small and very specific to the farm and his interests. (He runs a commercial farm instead of a homestead) He is very good at explaining the exact processes he goes through to do something, which means for me I'm 1/2 book learning about farming and 1/2 being taught about it by a real person.

The last blog I'm nominating is written by a friend of mine. David's blog. He is a young engineering professional so his blog is all about work and careers at the moment, but he is a philosophical guru who has traveled all over the world and works diligently for Canadian Students for Sensible Drug Policy even though he's not a drug user. He has promised me that once he develops a solid readership he will start to introduce people to his more abstract and philosophical ideas. (I told him to get two blogs instead)

So those are my 5 nominations

For other good reads check out the blogs I follow in my side bar --->

Hugo Schwyzer

2012-01-13T09:48:00.000-08:00

There is an excellent disscussion going on right now at No, Seriously, What About The Men (NSWATM) about Hugo Schwyzer (he is blogger and a male gender studies professor at who guest posts on various sites around the internet)

I did follow his blog long enough to understand people's criticisms of him (which you can read if you click the link above) and long enough to hear repeatedly about his dubious sexual exploits, his terrible relationships with his previous wives, and his drug use (I just now found out about his attempted murder suicide)

I sometimes agreed with his opinions, sometimes not. Not that it matters to this particular narrative but I stopped reading his blog after he tried to argue that the point of SlutWalk was about reclaiming the word "slut" like black people reclaimed the N word. ( In case you are wondering, the N word hasn't been reclaimed). There are people who have more comprehensive insights than he does so I would rather read their work.

Some people think that his past actions should exclude him from his profession as a feminist thinker. Personally, I don't think there is anyone who can't be forgiven, but its not up to the internet to forgive him, its up to his victims.

I actually think it is beneficial for people (not just men) to open up about the shitty things they have done.

Here's a shitty thing I have done:

In high school I went to two different schools simultaneously. I found out that this guy "P" at my home school had sex with a guy at my other school. I don't want to describe P, but he was a popular guy who most people liked. Some people had wondered if he was gay and he had always said no. I was in a school play with P (he played Romeo, I played Benvoli"a") and a bunch of us were hanging out back stage and somehow the topic got onto P's sexuality and I outed him.

I regret doing that so much. Nothing bad happened to him, but it was just not my right to say anything. I'm very vocal now about making sure people know how uncool outing is, because I didn't know what it meant at the time. So hopefully good things have come from that shitty mistake I made. Last time I saw P he was happy and living with his partner in a small city near our hometown, but under different circumstances outing him could have been disastrous.

In the context of Hugo Schwyzer, NSWATM touches on the importance of abuser redemption:

Recovering abusers have things to teach us about the process of ending abuse: the psychology of abusers, the causes of abuse, the best techniques for teaching abusers how to have healthy relationships. Worse, if ostracism is the consequence of admitting abuse, recovering abusers will be less likely to come forward, which will make it far more difficult to take precautions to make a safer space; survivors may even feel even more pressure not to say who abused them, because they don’t want to lose their abusers from the movement.

But that's not why Hugo Schwyzer should stop talking about all the terrible things he has done.

What NoahBrand says in the comments section of NSWATM is fantastic:

"Schwyzer’s always reminded me...of a certain kind of preacher: the one who’s really into talking about what a massively awesome sinner he used to be before he found Jesus. It’s problematic because the intensity of their come-to-Jesus narrative creates a strong incentive for their old sins to be ever more lurid and impressive....For me, the genuinely interesting and insightful parts of Schwyzer’s work always end up overshadowed by my basic distrust of [his] enthusiasm of this narrative. The wronger he used to be, the righter he is now, is the basic emotional logic of the reformed-sinner story. I’m all for apologizing and owning up to one’s wrongdoing, but past a certain point you’re just ostentatiously wallowing in your own wickedness, from drugs to attempted murder."

And I think this wallowing really colours his opinions on everything else. He thinks that all professors want to sleep with their students, he thinks all men have dark, barely supressable sexual instincts, he holds seminars for women on rape prevention and talks about patriarchy like it's this big unstoppable force that women will always fall victim to. Essentially, he is a man hating feminist.

Schwyzer thinks that his experience as a psychopath is the experience of men. Not some men. Men. People value his writing over other (female) feminist writers, calling him enlightened.

I'm not sure if this is a psychological defence mechanism, or maybe it's also a by-product of his evangelical redemption. But I'm pretty sure when the bible says "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23) it doesn't mean that everyone is a psychopath. It means that all humans make mistakes, no one is above self reflection, and no one should stop looking to God to teach them how to be a better person.

I think it would be hard to be a celebrity blogger because everyone and their cat can get on the internet and criticize you. I don't know how other people would cope with it, but I know I would cope with it by taking an all encompassing "just ignore it" attitude.

So even though this blog post is essentially a rant about one person, I would like to just open it up and say that I know so many amazing male people, and I would like for all of us to stop being man hating feminists now and start working to change actually important gender-equality discrepancies for both men and women.

Okay?

Abortion and Rick Santorum

2012-01-04T14:51:00.000-08:00

Some people are surprised when I say that I think it's fine to be against abortion. If you want to have babies and teach those babies that abortion is wrong that is your choice. What I think is wrong is forcing a woman who does not share those beliefs to have a baby against her will, and teaching your children that the rights of women do not matter.

I really dislike the phrase "pro-life" because there are many people who are against abortion on moral grounds but still support a woman's right to chose. You can be pro-life and pro-choice at the same time. What you can't be is pro-abortion rights and anti-abortion rights at the same time.

Before abortion was legal, women were still getting abortions. They were going to the very few doctors who would do it, they were going to backstreet abortionists, and they were trying to do it themselves by douching with bleach or shoving coat hangers into their uterus. Lots of women died because they did not have access to safe, legal abortions. In Chile today, a woman is prevented from getting an abortion even if her life is in danger.

So when a social conservative like Rick Santorum ties for first in the Iowa caucus it makes me nervous. I'm not nervous because I'm from, or ever intend on living in, the US; I'm nervous because for the past 60 years the US has been the financial, militaristic, and even cultural strongarm of the world and now the ever growing ultra christian right is pouring hatorade all over the country and thinking it won't have global consequences.

Here is a video of Rick Santorum saying he will cut government funding to contraceptive services (which by the way are also STD prevention services) Fast forward to 17:48

here is my rough transcription:

“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. Many in the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. It's supposed to be within marriage. It’s supposed to be for purposes that are yes, conjugal...but also procreative. That’s the perfect way that a sexual union should happen"

I've lost faith in democracy.

Miss Representation

2011-11-26T14:43:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching the documentary "Miss Representation", which explores the role of women in the media.

It was really well done, and if you can find a copy it is worth watching.

Faint stress.

2011-11-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

Jeff was away at a conference in Brighton for a week. The time he was away allowed me to realize that despite what I say to people, I actually prefer living alone, and that I don't cook unless I'm cooking for Jeff. All in all I enjoyed my week very much, and found it very relaxing. It filled me with a quiet confidence about moving back to Canada.

Jeff got back about an hour ago, said hi, and then locked himself in his study. The difference between being home alone and being alone while Jeff is here is that right now I am filled with a baseline level of anxiety.

He's not upset with me, there is no reason to be anxious right now, but in contrast to the super relaxing week I've just had, I feel awful.

Beards and Grey Hair

2011-10-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

Antisthenes

I was reading about stoicism on Wikipedia, and I noticed that the marble busts of ancient Greek philosophers have awe inspiring beards. These busts are undoubtedly flattering versions of their model, but the Beards were so magnificent I almost suspected they were sculpted with artistic licence, until I saw Aristotle had a minuscule, almost modern sized beard. And I began to ponder the reason why this was the fashion for philosophers.

Aristotle's tiny beard

In Athens, education was a noble pursuit, the idea of getting a formal education was not to teach a specific trade or job skills, but to teach people how to be better citizens. The wealthier you were the more education you could achieve, and only the children of wealthy families were able to attend secondary school, where they learned science, geometry, astronomy and rhetoric. In Athens, wealth and social status also dictated your position in the military (not unlike now) with positions ranging from leaders to highly disposable archers and landsmen (not unlike now).

The Encyclopedia Britannica says the average life expectancy of ancient Greeks was about 28, I'm not sure if this includes infant mortality rates, but this source lists the Greek life expectancy from birth as being between 18 and 20, so it may not.

Epicurus

In a society where the life expectancy was 28, I think a beard was a signal that you were an elder member of the community. Age does not necessarily beget wisdom, but money would have influenced life-span, and in Athens, the more money you had the better an education you received. In that sense, you can look at a beard as a Greek status symbol, where the status of your beard indicates the status of your wisdom. Philosophers and playwrights were generally very well respected in Greece, and some of them got to be quite old, so it stands to reason they should all have big beards.

I think old people don't get enough respect. Sure, some of them are batty racists, but there is a lot of wisdom to be gained by listening to people who are older and wiser, and I wish it was trendy to be old and wise.

Now the beard itself is a status symbol that is unattainable by women, but it was the status symbol of a strictly patriarchal society; women in Greece were given no formal education (except in Sparta, where they were given education on how to raise warrior children) and they weren't allowed to vote. But what both old women and old men have (assuming we're going to stick with this whole equality thing) is grey hair. I love grey hair on women and men, and while wrinkles, weight gain, and bone loss are aspects of ageing I could do without, I relish the idea of having more than the one grey hair I have already.

There is this quiet grey hair trend starting, and I hope it sticks, because I want to wear my hair grey, once it gets there.

Thirteen Observations made by Lemony Snicket while watching Occupy Wall Street from a Discreet Distance

2011-10-26T14:01:00.000-07:00

1. If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn’t mean you would be a midget if you were bald.

2. “Fortune” is a word for having a lot of money and for having a lot of luck, but that does not mean the word has two definitions.

3. Money is like a child—rarely unaccompanied. When it disappears, look to those who were supposed to be keeping an eye on it while you were at the grocery store. You might also look for someone who has a lot of extra children sitting around, with long, suspicious explanations for how they got there.

4. People who say money doesn’t matter are like people who say cake doesn’t matter—it’s probably because they’ve already had a few slices.

5. There may not be a reason to share your cake. It is, after all, yours. You probably baked it yourself, in an oven of your own construction with ingredients you harvested yourself. It may be possible to keep your entire cake while explaining to any nearby hungry people just how reasonable you are.

6. Nobody wants to fall into a safety net, because it means the structure in which they’ve been living is in a state of collapse and they have no choice but to tumble downwards. However, it beats the alternative.

7. Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty. Don’t tell them they aren’t. Sit with them and have a drink.

8. Don’t ask yourself if something is fair. Ask someone else—a stranger in the street, for example.

9. People gathering in the streets feeling wronged tend to be loud, as it is difficult to make oneself heard on the other side of an impressive edifice.

10. It is not always the job of people shouting outside impressive buildings to solve problems. It is often the job of the people inside, who have paper, pens, desks, and an impressive view.

11. Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.

12. If you have a large crowd shouting outside your building, there might not be room for a safety net if you’re the one tumbling down when it collapses.

13. 99 percent is a very large percentage. For instance, easily 99 percent of people want a roof over their heads, food on their tables, and the occasional slice of cake for dessert. Surely an arrangement can be made with that niggling 1 percent who disagree.

source

2011-10-05T02:29:00.000-07:00

With midnight always in one's heart,
  And twilight in one's cell,
We turn the crank, or tear the rope,
  Each in his separate Hell,
And the silence is more awful far
  Than the sound of a brazen bell.

And never a human voice comes near
  To speak a gentle word:
And the eye that watches through the door
  Is pitiless and hard:
And by all forgot, we rot and rot,
  With soul and body marred.

And thus we rust Life's iron chain
  Degraded and alone:
And some men curse, and some men weep,
  And some men make no moan:
But God's eternal Laws are kind
  And break the heart of stone.

-Oscar Wilde, Ballad of Reading Gaol

Thoughts on hair

2011-10-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

It was a year ago today I shaved my head. I shaved my head the day before my birthday, so if I looked really ugly and hated my choice, I would have all day to cry about it and not ruin my birthday.

When I was about 17, Natalie Portman shaved her head for V for Vendetta, and while she wasn't the first female celebrity to do it, it happened at a time in my life when it made a huge impression on me, probably because she was so stunning. That being said, I'm no Natalie Portman, so when I shaved my head I didn't expect to look good at all, it was just something I wanted to do to say I'd done it. I was surprised at how good I looked, and more importantly how good I felt with a shaved head.

Part of the feeling is pure tactile sensations: the feeling of air flowing over my scalp for the first time in my life was a total trip. Part of it was also a sense of achievement since I had just done this taboo thing it was extra sexy, but it also made me feel incredibly feminine. Someone I follow on twitter, @kungfulasers shaved her head for the fifth time yesterday and tweeted “It's such a liberating feeling. The first time I did it, I felt more femme than ever, strangely enough.”

And that is exactly how I felt too.

I always thought of myself as a bit of a tomboy. I wasn't into sports as a kid but I was into running around outside and playing pretend. I might have been pretending to be a princess but I saw myself as being more like Huckleberry Finn or Leslie from “Bridge to Terebithia” than my female peers. Even when I was doing 8 dance lessons a week and had an eating disorder, I also had a mohawk and dressed in combat boots and would never have described myself as “girlie”.

But when I shaved my head I felt instantly feminine. Maybe it had something to do with feeling exposed and vulnerable, but I think it has more to do with what hair means to society rather than what a shaved head meant to me.

The idea of gender dimorphism is nothing new, but while fashion might have once been dictated by what the aristocracy wore, it is now dictated by capitalism and advertising. I'm not anti-capitalist, but I do recognize the way beauty companies make money is by making you feel bad about yourself, thus artificially creating a reason to buy their products. Although we've come a long way from sexist crap like this and this, just watch the five parts of this sexist and racist ad (made for both East Asians and Indians) for a product no person should buy (skin lightening cream), to know that brand name companies are still using the same tactics. Racial is exploited by advertising which creates insecurity (especially in regards to hair). Ponds, the company that makes the skin lightening cream, is owned by Unilever, which also owns Slimfast and Dove “Love the skin you're in”

We open the pages of fashion magazines and Celebrities will spend $300or more on a hairdresser and then get paid to sell us drugstore hairdye, even though chemical hairdye may give you cancer “Because you're worth it”

She doesn't know what you're talking about

This photo, from Instyle magazine, implies Jessica Simpson used this hair-care product to produce the hair she has in the photo. The endorsement in fact comes from a celebrity hairstylist who says he used the product after dying Eva Longoria's hair the morning of a photo shoot for Instyle magazine.

Jessica Simpson turned her celebrity into a 1Billion dollar fashion franchise, selling her name-branded shoes, accessories, jeans, swimwear, perfume, beauty, and haircare products (including clip in hair extensions) for revenues of $750 million. Here is an article on the BBC talking about shaved heads in the (now outdated) context of Britney Spears.

There is artificial femininity tied to hair through the advertising industry because if you don't primp and preen using all of those products you aren't regarded as being as feminine as someone who does. Sinead O'connor was told to act more feminine by record execs so she shaved her head as an act of defiance.As someone who has always had “wash and wear” hair, it wasn't until I shaved it all off that I felt feminine.

I don't have any experience being a person with hair-dresser hair; I have no emotional attachment to my hair so shaving my head wasn't a big deal to me until after I had done it. I will say that now that my hair has grown out and I look just like everyone else, I do miss my dreadlocks. The way people interact with me now vs. then is wildly different. Of course there were people who didn't respect me or treated me badly because I had dreads, but on the flipside I was seen as a creative and cool person. When I used to talk about ideas I had, people would say “you're so creative!” and now they say “you're so funny!”. No seriously, I'm not joking, I would live in a tree if I could.

My hair now (in Edinburgh castle)

But even though I still have wash and wear hair, I think of myself as decidedly feminine. Even though I like to wear suit jackets and sneakers and hardly ever wear makeup I don't label myself as a tomboy anymore.

Quote of the day

2011-09-05T13:45:00.000-07:00

Attired to please herself: no gems of any kind
She wore, nor aught of borrowed gloss in Nature's stead;
And, then her long, loose hair flung round her head
Fell carelessly behind.
~Publius Terentius Afer

The sad story that has a happy ending.

2011-08-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

Last night was terrible.

My dear friend Mk had a friend who died.

No details, he just died while in Peru. Mk has cystic fibrosis, and so I think about him dying a lot. My two rules for him when he went to South America were a) don't die and b) don't get arrested.

He got arrested. His friend died.

I worry about Mk enough that if he dies from anything not CF related, like if he gets hit by a bus, I will laugh my ass off for eternity. That is terrible and grotesque I know, but dying accidentally when you have a terminal “illness” is hilarious to me.

Anyways, Mk was understandably upset because he had lost his friend. And he talked to me about it, because we are close.

What we weren't close enough for is for me to tell him I sometimes feel like the world is going to end. I sit alone in the dark with obsessive thoughts of apocalypse, and having someone actually die was too much for me.

I had a massive panic attack. I was screaming and crying because I felt the world was about to end, and Jeff did the best he could to calm me down but I still fell asleep crying.

I woke up with incredibly puffy eyes. Comically puffy.

I had wanted to go to church (fears of the apocalypse will do that to you) but my face was so messed up I didn't want to leave the house.

Unfortunately I had to work later that day, but fortunately, my eyes had gone down to “mildly squidgy” by that point.

I bought some cakes and comfort ate all the way to work. I was then on a sugar high and feeling sick from the cake.

So I drank some gin.

I am such a good waitress when I am a liiiiitle bit tipsy. There was this big group of people who sort of filtered into the restaurant. I was on the ball, cracking jokes, having really easy conversation (talking to strangers is a real hurdle for me). It helped that they were nice people in a nice mood, but I was 100% the best waitress I could have been tonight.

Turns out they were movie stars. The Philadelphia zombies in World War Z, which is filming in Glasgow.

They thought I was great. MOVIE STARS THOUGHT I WAS GREAT.

I am not a celebrity obsessed person, they weren't even “celebrities” exactly, but knowing that they really genuinely liked me is such a validating experience.

I AM NOT THE SCUM OF THE EARTH.

Also, after meeting zombies, I'm less afraid of the apocalypse now :)

I want to be a mom.

2011-08-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

The thing that sucks about being a woman is your eggs expire.

Guys have the freedom to take 40 years to sort themselves out.

Even if I could be a mom at 40 I wouldn't want to do that to my kids (my parents were "older" when they had me. It was tough on me). But I also don't want to be an un-sorted person when I have kids.

I don't want to be one of those parents that fucks up their kid with their own emotional baggage.

Dear Fullerton police department,

2011-08-08T02:14:00.000-07:00

I am writing to you from Glasgow, Scotland. I am not an American citizen, or even a member of your community, but I do have a few ideas and I hope you will hear them out.

Obviously I am writing to you because of the death of Kelly Thomas, I hope my letter does not get lost in the onslaught of public outcry you are witnessing. Police officers sometimes find the need for solidarity in the face of public outcry, however people have been personally affronted by this incident, and if you are not seen being accountable for the actions of your officers, you will only make the public more recalcitrant.

I understand, maybe better than most, how hard it is for police officers. We live in a violent world, and the police are at the frontline of it every single day. They suffer abuse, deal with highly dangerous persons, and depending on the city, may put themselves in harms way every time they go on patrol. Do not think this sacrifice goes unnoticed. But also do not delude yourselves into thinking it does not take a toll either. PTSD is a pernicious and pervasive disease, and it runs rampant in both the armed forces and police. The great irony of Kelly's death is that he may have been killed not only as the result of his own mental illness, but the mental illness of the officers as well. You might have cringed or scoffed a little when you read that, which is normal; showing weakness and talking about mental illness are taboo in many professions. Yours is one of them.

I urge you to take the $900,000 you offered Kelly's father, Ron Thomas, and fund a comprehensive PTSD counselling program for the officers in your district. Name it after Kelly so that people know you were paying attention to their protests. Make therapy mandatory, because the people who will avoid voluntary counselling are the ones who need it most.

I would also urge you to better train your officers to identify and deal with mentally ill suspects. I have read that your department does do some training, but it is clearly not enough. It is my opinion that an unarmed person should not die while being arrested. It is the job of lawyers and judges to provide retributive justice, and violent retaliatory attacks by police officers, even when provoked, are not ethical. On July 5^th 20011, your police officers handed out a death sentence.

People are angry right now. They are shocked and they are angry. Many of them are screaming for justice because that is all they know how to do, but I can tell you what they really want is change.

It is a hard job being a police officer. Please understand that I have compassion for that. But it is not okay for incidents like this to happen, and it is not okay for you to try to smooth this over. Moreover, if you do the public will lose faith in you, and that will ultimately make your job harder.

There are greater issues at work here than one mentally ill man, beaten to death by the police. Show us that you understand that, work to change that, and maybe, just maybe, our faith in you will be restored.

Quote of the day

2011-08-06T14:33:00.000-07:00

"Before I was shot, I always thought that I was more half-there than all-there – I always suspected that I was watching TV instead of living life. People sometimes say that the way things happen in movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen in life that's unreal. The movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television – you don't feel anything. Right when I was being shot and ever since, I knew that I was watching television. The channels switch, but it's all television." -Andy Warhol

Why people don't change

2011-07-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I don't feel like a real person. I feel like like a scripted character. All the choices I should make become obvious and therefore, not choices at all. Being insane: it absolves me of responsibility. Einstien said that insanity is repeating the same thing over and over but expecting different results. It is so easy to do. We are all insane. We do things to protect our egos from our own mistakes. Sour grapes. It is hard to learn lessons, and even harder to come to terms with our own shortcomings. Some people say that people don't change. I think they don't change strategies. Our perspectives change possibility into fact, we interpret the world into a limited assortment of pieces, and then we recognize ways those pieces can be put into shapes, primarily ones we already know how to make. You can know the end result will not be good, you can not desire to go there, but even if you recognize it as unwise, you also recognize the path, and since you know that path, you go there. In a world where other paths are not perceived, they may as well not exist.

My hair growth

2011-06-09T05:29:00.000-07:00

October 1st 2010

June 9th 2011

I've had two haircuts.

Voyeur

2011-06-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Looking in on people's lives is an agreeable voyeuristic sensation even when there is no intimation of sexuality in what you see. The stimulation is in getting at what used to be withheld. -New York Magazine, 3 March 1969

"Happy" Memorial Day

2011-05-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Did you know that in 2009 AND 2010 more soldiers committed suicide than were killed in combat?

{Thanks Chrisa }

Cutting myself, also, hurting myself.

2011-05-27T15:22:00.000-07:00

After Jeff and I argued, I cut my legs up with a razor.

I messed up and cut too deep. I was covered in blood. I needed stitches.

The doctor was really lovely and non-judgmental. I have always had this fear that if I asked for help it would have these horrible repercussions for me.

The next morning, I called my dad in tears. I was so scared and Jeff still wasn't around.

Once again there were no terrible repercussions. He was more understanding than I ever imagined he could be. I'm not sure if that means I'm selling him short or selling myself short.

He asked me to call him every day, and I kind of like it.

No more Rocky/Aloof relationship with my dad (it's been possibly 15 years of walking on eggshells around him)

Asking for help is crazy hard. But twice in a row now it has been totally worth it.

A letter FROM my significant other

2011-05-23T15:26:00.000-07:00

{Read my original letter}

"There's nothing to disagree with, I'm simply right. I've heard several accounts of separate serial rapists treating their victims afterward as if the had been on a nice date. I quite sure this a noted phenomenon that you can probably find described in psychology/criminology literature.

I never asked you any questions, so you're not really making any sense to me.

As I recall I was just talking about something and you got all upset. I wasn't aware we were going to be in a debate. I don't think anything I said was actually debatable. It's established fact. I don't know what exactly your issue is around that???

When did rape become some untouchable topic? You've never been raped so I'm not worried about offending you. Are war and murder untouchable topics too? They are FAR worse crimes than rape.

I really don't know what's gotten into you, but yah it's quintessential anti-intellectualism. You might as well be some religious nut.

You know, I was going to email you because I felt bad about this morning but reading what you wrote I can see that it really is all you."

...........................................................................................................................

At that point, I started freaking out, I started with writing a level headed response, then an angry response, then a bat shit crazy response. I cut my legs with a razor and accidentally went too far, exposing a chunk of subcutaneous fat. Yum.

I went to A&E (The UK's ER) and had a great chat with the doctor. She made me tea, gave me stitches, chatted with me, told me to come back to A&E if I have a problem, no questions, I don't have to deal with things on my own.

Which is kind of the best thing ever because normally I walk around in a daze thinking about jumping off bridges and tying a plastic bag around my head. So now I can at least walk towards A&E if I'm ever in a crisis. No bridges, and tea and nice doctors on the other side.

Victory!

A letter to my significant other

2011-05-23T06:51:00.000-07:00

Jeff,

Disagreeing with you is very hard to do.

If I disagree with you, I have to build a case in support of my own viewpoint, just like lawyers have to do when someone is on trial. Indeed, I often feel on trial when I debate you. All of my facts have to be well cited, my viewpoint has to be multi-faceted and in depth (because you hate generalizations, except when talking about Muslims) which often leaves me at an immediate disadvantage because you have the luxury of analysing something in your head before you spring a “conversation” topic onto me.

I feel you sprung that conversation on me this morning. I felt surprised and ill prepared to converse with you, a feeling that was enhanced when you were talking about rapists driving their victims home, and I shook my head and you said “obviously you haven't read much about it because I've read numerous instances where that has happened”. In that moment I felt so annoyed at you. Annoyed about the serious conversation about “ARE-AY-PEE-EE” you sprung on me while I was feeling very light hearted and thinking about my name change, annoyed about how you think an issue as complex as rape can be categorized by “what they were thinking” at the time, and I was annoyed at the bicker-fest that that heated topic was going to turn into.

Debating you is so emotionally provocative for me because even when you agree with something I say you will always play devils advocate. You will also pick at every little thing I say until I'm grasping for straws on topics barely related to the original point I was trying to make. And for the record, Hitler was one person, rapists are many people. Your generalization about the two both being “evildoers” completely negates the complexity of the issue. A much more applicable analogy would be “Nazis” and “rapists” since they are many people doing bad things because of complex histories and personal motivations.

These debates with you always wind up with me being emotional and erratic, and despite what you maintain, I don't actually ENJOY feeling that way. In the moments before I walked away, I saw the inevitable outcome of me choosing to engage with you, and I decided it wasn't worth it. I walked away from not just you, not just the topic, but from the whole debacle that is what you call “conversation”.

When I have talked about feeling immense pressure and anxiety about answering peoples questions and feeling put on the spot, you have repeatedly tried to instil in me a sense of autonomy, telling me I don't have to feel like I have to answer peoples questions. To feel like I have a choice.

Intuitively, I understood that not answering a question has it's own set of negative outcomes, and by simply answering a question, even if I feel unprepared or unwilling to do so, I at least have a shot at being able to stumble into a positive outcome. I don't need intuition any more Jeff, I have proof. Not answering your questions makes me an “anti-intellectual”. And it's not just you, everyone expects answers to their questions.

Yesterday, when I was talking to you about the racist admissions process for Ivy League schools in the states, I didn't think you were “anti-intellectual” for not engaging in a conversation with me about something I think is important but you don't. I DID however chose to literally walk away from the conversation when you started talking about whether a degree from Harvard was even worth anything outside the states. As much as I suspect it's still worth a bundle, I did not have the facts to back it up. I did not want to be put in a position where I was grasping at straws for a topic barely related to the original, so I walked away. I didn't consider you an “anti-intellectual” for not engaging in a topic YOU didn't care about. But you think I am an “anti-intellectual” for walking away from a conversation you DO care about.

And that made me angry. I am sorry for not walking away from you a second time at the door. Freaking out like that was childish and pathetic and exactly what I was trying to avoid doing. But once you started berating me, all I could think about was your hypocrisy, as you rolled your eyes at me, showing thinly veiled disdain.

I tried to act maturely, I tried to walk away. I am sorry I didn't succeed.

Fear them, fear them, fear them

2011-05-12T01:01:00.000-07:00

“What I like about this whole scare regime is the circular logic of why all the different groups should be more conservative. Hispanics should vote republican because they share the conservative values of hard work and family, unlike the lazy , uncommitted blacks, the Black Community should be more conservative because they share a religious objection to homosexuality, the homosexuals should be more conservative, because the Muslims are coming to get them, and the Muslim immigrants should be more conservative because they immigrated legally, unlike all those damn hispanics pouring over the border. Women, of course should vote conservative to keep themselves and their families safe from poor minorities moving into their communities and school districts, and minorities should vote conservative to protect themselves from the abortion advocates who are trying to euthanize little black babies.” - A comment made by BrianSierk on an article on the Atlantic.

I read it because of this guy, who's blog is NOT SAFE FOR WORK, but who I have a little crush on. I like how his sex, and his art, and his politics are very different from mine. I wish my blog was a tumbler blog so I could comment on his posts.

I am not a slut (and neither are you)

2011-05-10T10:48:00.000-07:00

I’m not a big fan of the idea of “re-claiming” stigmatized words. I will admit that re-claiming “queer” has been a success, maybe I'll do research on that another time. Saying you are queer is now a way of identifying yourself as outside the gender and orientation normative. I'm queer. I love the term gender queer, as it denotes more fluid distinctions between genders than classic gender polarizations. (On a side note I also think using “gay” negatively will pass over time, just like we stopped using the word “retarded”, which was the word my generation used.) “Faggot” on the other hand is still a massive insult. “Nigger” is a reclaiming FAIL, and no matter how many times it's used in pop culture, it is also rejected by many in the black community. The word “slut” lies somewhere between the two.

Here is a video of comedian Richard Pryor, who used racial epithets like nigger before he spent 6 weeks in recovery in a burn ward:

I think re claiming the word slut will work about as well as re-claiming the word nigger. I.e. in my opinion NOT AT ALL. Two black people might call each other niggers, two women might call each other sluts, but if a white man were to call a black person a nigger or a woman a slut it would still be a BIG FUCKING DEAL.

Just because SOME people decide they are going to use a word in a positive way, doesn’t make it any less of a big deal when someone uses it in a negative way. If I were to call myself a slut, I would still know that this other person calling me a slut was doing it to demean me. I don’t suddenly forget the history of a word just because I decide one day I’M going to use it differently.

"A DRESS IS NOT A YES!"

Slutwalk, for me, was not about re-claiming the word “slut”. It was the backlash against a Toronto police officer saying if you want to not get raped “don’t dress like sluts”. It was about saying look at us, we are human beings, and you cannot shame us out of our sexuality and you cannot use the fear of rape to keep us from doing what we want to do, dressing how we want to dress, and expressing our sexuality. We are people, hear us roar.

Slutwalk has turned into more than just that though. It has turned into a sexuality pride parade, a political protest, a stand against rape, and a show of feminist strength and solidarity. In the march against “slut” as a tool of shame, some people are trying to re-claim it and turn slut into a positive word. My opinion is that it is not just the stigma of a word that makes it powerful, since the entire history of the word gives it its meaning. I think you can’t just SAY a word has a new meaning, but I do think you can say a word doesn’t apply to you.

Society teaches "don't get raped" instead
of "don't rape"

I would be called a slut in Egypt, where women are routinely sexually assaulted to keep them indoors. I would be called a slut by fundamentalist Christians who deny female sexuality. I would be called a slut by a lot of people for living with my partner, or even having sex before marriage. Where other people draw the slut line (i.e. that one's a slut, that one's safe) might not be as extreme as those examples but the fundamental social function of saying someone is a slut is the same. When you are calling a woman a slut you are saying "you should be ashamed of your self".

That is why I’m not ever going to call a woman a slut. That is why I am insulted if someone calls me a slut, even in a “nice” way, even in a joking way. Its a word that is used to shame women into or out of certain behaviour.

"It shouldn't be this hard to be easy!"

I am not a slut, I am a person. And every other PERSON who has ever been called a “slut” is also, in my mind, not a “slut”. To me, prostitutes aren’t “sluts” either. It doesn't matter what a woman does, what kind of history she has, or what her behaviour or dress code is like, you are fundamentally insulting her humanness by calling her a slut. It is still a word that is used to "other" women. It is still a word that is used to say “she's going to get raped”, that she "deserved" to get raped, “she had it coming”, or that it's no surprise she wound up getting raped because "look how she acted". It essentially takes the blame off the person who actually commits a rape, and puts the blame on the woman. Like men have no control over themselves, and SHE behaved in a way that GOT her raped.

She got herself raped. It's like saying prostitutes can't be raped, like having sex for money suddenly negates your capacity for consent. Sex without consent is rape. Period.

Real men take no for an answer!

So I'm not going to throw anyone under the train, no matter what they dress like, or act like, or do for a living, in order to keep myself from being called a slut. That just legitimizes the shame. By saying “I'm not a slut, but SHE is because she does THAT”, I am actually saying “she is less of a person because she has more sex than I do”, and in the end all that means is that having more sex makes you less of a person. (By the way I don't think you are less of a person if you don't have sex either. My point is that sexuality should not define human value).

Because the word “slut” is inherently negative, calling a woman who loves sex a slut means that being a woman who loves sex is a bad thing. I will never call a person a slut, because slut is a HATEFUL word. It is used, as I said, to shame people. I reject the word, as applied to me, as applied to anyone. The word is the bad thing, not the behaviour, and by denouncing the word I feel I am simultaneously standing up for female sexuality. Women who like sex are not sluts.

Mohawk flag highlighting issues of rape for native communities

It is empowering for me to say “I am not a slut” and to be able to use that as an opening to start a dialogue about female sexuality.

Yesterday, I posted a speech made by James Baldwin about the word “nigger”. The following is a slightly altered version of that speech:

"Well I know this, and anyone who has tried to live know this, that what you say about somebody else, anybody else, reveals you. What I think of you as being is dictated by my own necessity, my own psychology, my own fears and desires. I'm not describing you when I talk about you, I'm describing me. Now we've got something called a “slut”. We have invented the slut. I didn't invent it, other people invented it. I have always known, had known by the time I was old enough to have sex, that what you were describing was not me, and what you were afraid of was not me. It had to be something else. You had invented it, so it had to be something that you were afraid of, and you invested me with it. But if I am not the slut. And if it is true that your invention reveals you, then who is the slut? I am not the victim here. The only way you can get through life it to know the worst things about it. I know that a person is more important than anything else. Anything else. I've learned this because I've had to learn it. But you still think, I gather, that the slut is necessary. Well she’s unnecessary to me, so she must be necessary to you. Now I give you your problem back. You're the slut baby, it isn't me!"

Having power against being called a slut is to know you are not a slut. I KNOW I am not a slut, since it is a word that was created to oppress me, and I know I am not that word.

Because I reject the word slut, I am of the opinion that it can not be “re-claimed”, but women who want to self-identify as sluts are perfectly within their rights to do so (to themselves, not other women). My only defence is to continue to share my perspective and hope people catch on.

Or maybe I'm wrong. Rock out ladies.

I love James Baldwin

2011-05-09T11:01:00.000-07:00

I love him so much. He was a quick witted, poetic, thoughtful and intelligent human being, and it is such a shame he was sliced out of the civil rights movement because he was gay.

Here is a short video of James Baldwin talking about the word "nigger". I am ruminating on a post about trying to re-claim stigmatized words, and this video came to mind.

I have had a hard time finding transcripts of speeches Baldwin has made. So I transcribed this one.

Well I know this, and anyone who has tried to live know this, that what you say about somebody else, you know, anybody else, reveals you. What I think of you as being, is dictated by my own necessity, my own psychology, my own fears and desires. I'm not describing you when I talk about you, I'm describing me. Now here in this country we've got something called a “nigger”. Who doesn't in such terms, I beg you remark, exist in any other country in the world. We have invented the nigger. I didn't invent it. White people invented it. I have always know, had known by the time I was 17 years old, what you were describing was not me, and what you were afraid of was not me. It had to be something else, you had invented it, so it had to be something that you were afraid of, and you invested me with it... But if I am not the nigger. And if it is true that your invention reveals you, then who is the nigger? I am not the victim here. I know one thing from another...the only way you can get through life it to know the worst things about it. I know that A person is more important than anything else. Anything else. I've learned this because I've had to learn it. But you still think, I gather, that the nigger is necessary. Well he’s unnecessary to me, so he must be necessary to you. Now I give you your problem back. You're the nigger baby, it isn't me.

He's such a beautiful man.

If you want an even better, if longer speech, watch Part 1-3 of these. Totally worth it I promise.

I wish I had a transcript for that. Any volunteers?

Are playsuits named after the Bunny?

2011-05-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

In Canada, we call one piece short and shirt sets jumpers. In the UK, they call sweaters jumpers, and jumpers playsuits. I kind of like the term playsuit, but I wonder if the term comes from the infamous Playboy enterprises?

Playboy used to be something quite scandalous. Not quite as ahead of the times as some bars or cabarets in the 1920s in cities like Paris, Shanghai, New York, or Chicago, but the magazine and affiliate "gentleman's clubs" were near-nudity friendly places in an otherwise prudish and puritanical country, reeling from the backlash against independent women during the 1940s.

Today, Playboy still embodies the oppressive "women as objects" mentality that was so common in the 50s. I have a feeling that Hugh Hefner still sees the world exactly like he did 60 years ago. He has amassed a huge fortune using this misogynistic formula of glamor, so there is no reason for him to change. I worry about 10 year olds wearing playboy bunny pajama pants and body jewelery.

But I can say this. The thing I like about old-school playboy bunnies is the corsets. No, not the tails or the ears, but the actual structured playsuits they wore. They are a feat of seamstress engineering and you can tell they are a lot more complex than they appear to be.

In the picture above, you can see where the corset part ends, and the panty part begins, the sides of the play suit have corseting as well. The boobs are of course padded, but also seems to function as a bra, and the whole thing manages to stay up and look good while also being fairly backless.

I read an interview with the costume designer from Mad Men saying she had to sign a contract to not reveal how the bunny costumes were made.

And yes they did hire some token-black bunnies.

{Edit} Check out this Playboy Club Bunny Manual from 1968.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all of my Canadian/American readers. I checked out my google analytics last night out of curiosity, and my readers are almost 2:1 from the north america vs. the UK. Mother's day has already come and gone over here. I made the mistake of calling my gramma on UK mothers day last year. She was a little confused.

Speaking of mothers and grandmothers, here is a link to a sweet little video. My (other) Gramma, who was also an immigrant, also died about 2 weeks after I interviewed her, so this is especially touching.

Here is a link to Tina Fey's "A Mothers Prayer" which I think is a nice read on mother's day.

My prayer is that I don't forget to call my mom tonight, when I come home from work exhausted and unhappy, with no hallmark/buy buy buy reminders surrounding me it's easier to forget than you would think.

{Edit: I just called my grandparents, I love them so much and I really should call them more}

Passive resistance takes strength.

2011-05-07T00:43:00.000-07:00

I'm always concerned when I hear about violence. Any violence but especially youth violence. There are a lot of reasons to be angry in this world, but the drive towards peaceful resolution is something you get made fun of for. "You're a hippie, you're soft, you're a girl". (By the way I am all of these things and if you find those words insulting you do not know the strength of which I speak)

Here is a photo of some people going through passive resistance training in 1960.

Passive Resistance Training, SNCC, Atlanta, GA, 1960, by James Karales, courtesy Duke University Library

That's Georgia people, they aren't fucking around.

Many people don't know that Rosa Parks was actually a trained passivist. Had she gotten on the wrong side of the bus and started whipping the bus driver (who had already humiliated her once previously) with her over-sized purse, history would have unfolded quite differently. She might be dead, and who knows what kinds of consequences a violent encounter would have had on the rest of the black (and white) civil rights activists.

The HARDEST part about being a passivist is fighting YOURSELF. It hurts to be humiliated, it hurts to be discriminated against, or bullied, or even threatened. And its easier to fight someone with your fists, even knowing you might lose, than it is to choke down your pride, calm yourself, react peacefully and refrain from punching that bastard in the face.

It takes strength in the muscles of your mind, your perseverance, and it takes strength of character.

Raving 4 Jesus!

2011-05-05T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'm interested in Seventh Day Adventists because they historically have increased longevity over the rest of the population. Part of this is vegetarianism, abstaining from alcohol and having a close knit community with a day of rest.

There is debate over whether keeping the dietary laws (kosher) of the old testament is necessary, and I won't join in that debate but I was reading this passage:

²² So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. ²³ But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin. (Romans 14:22-23)

What caught my attention was "everything that does not come from faith is sin". I am sure that line has fueled many a puritanical fire. I have no intention of fueling that fire.

BUT I have a brand new alternative to the "Jesus Raves" t-shirt: Raving FOR Jesus!

Because every thing that does not come from faith is sin, I want to make sure my mad-house dance stylz are dedicated to Jesus from now on. I rave for Jesus, I dance for Jesus, and I take MDMA for Jesus.

And I am sure if someone of a more severe religious nature stumbles on this blog post they will think I am going to go to hell, and they can think whatever they want because ultimately, their opinion means nothing. God gets to decide these things, not you.

*dance* *dance**dance* *dance**dance* *dance**dance* *dance**dance* *dance**dance* *dance**dance* *dance**dance* *dance**dance* *dance*

I leave you with this:

Me and my thoughts

2011-05-02T15:44:00.000-07:00

There was a staff night out. I came home and got super excited about going out. I painted my nails dark purple with a matte topcoat. I styled my hair. I danced around to Glee's version of Born This Way and then I was just filled with social anxiety.

Thoughts that go round and round in my head: I don't want to drink, I'll look like a loser just drinking tonic water, I am so much more social when I drink, why am I more social when I drink? I am such an un-social person, what if no one talks to me? I should take responsibility for starting conversations. What if I try talking to someone and it's weird and awkward, what if I have nothing to say? What if I end up standing in a corner alone? It will be torture. I'm already tired, I'll want to go home early. Then when I leave people will talk about me, and I'll be thinking about them talking about me on the walk home. It's dark outside, I don't want to walk in the dark, I'll have to walk back too. What if something happens to me? Jeff would be mad if he knew I was walking instead of taking a cab. Jeff is asleep, he'll never know I'm gone. I could die and he'd be asleep. What if he wakes up and I'm not here? I told him I had a staff night out, but what if he forgets? Will he be worried? Will he think I'm cheating on him? What if he calls me and I'm drunk? Uhhg it's too late to go buy alcohol now anyways, I'm not going to be able to deal with people while not drinking. I think I'll just stay in....Oh...new episode of United states of Tara on tonight.....

And I wonder why I'm glued to the tv.

EDIT: It's the next day and they've started posting photos on facebook and they looked like they had a lot of fun. The conservatives won a majority vote, and Jeff is locked in his room working on a report. I've had a really lousy day.

Why I love Glee

2011-05-01T15:42:00.000-07:00

Days after making a post about how much school sucked, and being all down on myself, Glee does an episode called "Born this way"

Unpretty was one of my favorite songs growing up. I <3 90's girl power.

The whole episode is pretty awesome. I have a playlist called "self esteem songs" that I listen to when I'm down, and Glee gave me a few new ideas with their version of this song:

School all over again.

2011-04-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

When I was in grade 7 I got put into a gifted program. Grade 7&8, most of grade 9, and some classes in grade 10, were all with the same people. Once I hit high school I was a lot better off because there was a large group of people from which to draw my friends and acquaintances. Then I hit grade 11, and I did what are called "focus programs" in my school district, and they really saved me mentally and emotionally. I did a focus program in theatre, and then a different one in visual arts the following year. I also had an amazing grade 12 english teacher who didn't bat an eyelash when I would break into tears in the middle of class.

And while now I can look back and think I shouldn't have shunned the maths and sciences (which I now love) for art, I fully understand how those two years were essentially therapy. Art therapy, music therapy, group therapy. I made two out of my four closest friends in my last two years of high school. I don't talk to anyone else from my public school years.

Putting me in the gifted program was my own personal hell. I had always been considered a loser, certainly an outcast, but I had some friends and I knew the teachers and the school. All the adults liked me and that afforded me a certain amount of protection from the severest types of bullying that you hear about kids going through.

The gifted program was in a new school. I lost touch with all of my old friends, and there was no one to replace them. My teacher was anorexic (actually) and having been anorexic, I can understand why she was such a bitch all the time (it's hard to be nice when you are out of fuel). But I went from adults really liking me, to my teacher being a total bitch. And I was still an outcast. My dreamy (ADHD) nature didn't jibe with the ultra-focused or energetic and preppy students in my class. I had no friends, no one to talk to, and a teacher who picked on me specifically because of symptoms of a disability I didn't even know I had at that point.

Not a picture of me, but may as well be.

The worst part was group work. The teacher always let us pick our own groups (note to teachers, that is torture for some kids) and no matter what, I would always be left out. I would have to walk up to each of the groups, ask them if I could be in their group, watch them all look at each other with "please get rid of her" eyes, before someone would make up an excuse. Knowing there was no use arguing, I would go on to the next group, and the next, and the next, until I had to go to the teacher and tell her I didn't have a group. She would then roll her eyes and sigh like my exclusion was inconveniencing HER. I then had to stand at the front of the class and face everyone while the teacher pointed out I needed a group while everyone re-iterated their "please no" looks at each other.

Finally, the teacher would just randomly point to a group and tell me to sit with them. I would walk over, sit, and not talk, because I was embarrassed. Sometimes I would manically talk and talk, trying to patch over the inevitable awkward silence.

The experience left me with an "I don't need you" attitude.

Except I'm in Glasgow, away from my closest friends. I have been here for almost two years and haven't forged any new connections. Except this girl I used to work with, who I invited over to my house for tea.

I posted a message on her facebook wall the day before, in case it had slipped her mind (even though we had made plans only two days prior) but she never showed up. I even woke up a little early to make sure the house was nice and clean, but I wound up sitting alone in my clean house waiting for her to show up. Jeff said he'd come home but didn't turn up until well after I went to sleep.

The thing about having no friends is that it makes you very fragile. My social isolation is sometimes too much to bear, and I sometimes blame Jeff for my own lack of friend making skills.

I have a list of excuses a mile high as to why I "can't" make friends. But if I am being honest with myself I'd say that I don't know HOW to make friends. And that's not Jeff's fault, or Glasgow's, or my work pattern, or my lack of money....it's just me.

In my dream I was a fainting goat

2011-04-25T05:12:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine told me he found my post about a bad dream through stumbleupon. Which I thought was cool, because the blogger stats tell me I get a lot of traffic, but I hardly ever get any comments (aka feedback) on my posts. So it was cool to see someone thought my dream was at least interesting enough to stumble.

Today, I found this video, which is a comical version of my dream, featuring goats!

(fyi I'm not really cool with scaring goats so they fall over, but the lady says they fall over when they get excited about getting fed so I guess its not too traumatizing for them)

A heads up for parents (tips and tricks)

2011-04-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

I love Q-tips. I know you aren't supposed to put them in your ears, but they feel so good, and I am paranoid about having gobs of earwax in my ears that other people can see but I can't. When I was a kid, I would ride the school bus to school, and kids would have yellow and brown ooze in their eras which would make me nauseous (I get bus sick but the earwax didn't help). Unfortunately, now every time I go to the doctor I have earwax packed in over my eardrum, because for every bit of wax a Q-tip pulls out, it packs a bit more down on top of your eardrum.

Not good.

So parents, never introduce your kids to Q-tips. They are habit forming and dangerous. If you are a Q-tip user, make sure you use them behind closed doors, because monkey see, monkey do.

To teach your kid good hygiene, have them wrap a piece of tissue around their first finger and swirl it around the opening of the ear. The finger is too big to fit into the ear canal once it is covered in tissue, but it still cleans out all that globby glooky grossness.

Second. Thumb sucking vs. Binky/Dummy/Soother/Whatever you want to call it. I know it might be disconcerting to see your 4 year old running around with a soother in his mouth, but taking it away will cause anxiety. That alone might not be a problem, except kids can easily soothe their anxiety by sticking their thumb in their mouth.

My parents did this to me, and I still suck my thumb sometimes (especially on nights when I am unhappy, or Jeff isn't in bed with me). It has ruined my teeth, and is no habit for a 22 year old.

Unfortunately, a thumb grows, so it will always be the perfect size for your kids mouth. A soother on the other hand, will stay the same size and as your kid grows, the soother will become awkward in his mouth and no longer feel as nice and soothing.

Your kid will then give it up on his/her own volition. No anxiety. No thumb sucking.

So there are my two tips for parents. Not because I am a parent, but because those are two habits I wish I never had.

Sunny Glasgow

2011-04-21T08:31:00.000-07:00

Glasgow is often referred to as "sunny Glasgow" by locals, its said ironically, since Glasgow is the second rainiest city in the UK after Belfast (Manchester comes in third). This year, April has been extraordinarily sunny. 20+ degrees every day, barely any rain, and instead of the usual overcast state of "not raining yet" the sky has been bright blue and cloud free.

Everyone looks around, sees the sun, and thinks they must be on holiday.

Honestly the only time Glaswegians see weather this nice is when they take a trip to Spain.

Jeff MIGHT be able to get a post doc job in Australia. He hates the sun, I love it. But I've lived in cold rainy weather for 2 years now (1 more to go), so I'm hoping he will make the sacrifice.

Word of the day

2011-03-14T01:54:00.000-07:00

Pena ajena: Spanish word(s) to describe the embarrassment felt over someone else's misfortune.

Japan, disaster relief, and Haiku

2011-03-12T00:52:00.000-08:00

Japan has washed away.
The year starts with many deaths,
Spring won't heal this wound

An earthquake with a magnitude of 8.8 (8,000 times stronger than the one that hit Christchurch) struck off the coast of Honshu, Japan on the 11th of March 2011. A 10m wave struck Sendai as the tsunami rolled in, although tsunamis are most dangerous as they move OUT again.

There are lots of NGO's moving into action, but they all need MONEY to mobilize FASTER and more EFFECTIVELY.

The Red Cross: The Japanese Red Cross has already deployed 11 national disaster response teams to respond to the crisis but you can support their efforts by donating money. Similar to their efforts to help Haiti after the earthquake in 2010, Red Cross is accepting donations either online or via text message. Simply text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 from your phone (you'll be prompted to confirm with a second text reading YES).

Pray to heal your heart,

Give a hand to help others:

Thus prayers are answered.

Stuff about me

2011-03-12T00:01:00.000-08:00

This is my version of a post by Whitney on Glamlife

A. Age: 22

B. Bed size: Queen (UK version)

C. Chore you dislike: Taking out the trash. I put it by the door, Jeff brings it out back.

D. Dogs: I grew up with big dogs, I love big dogs, but I would want to get a little dog because of space limitations, and how painful it is to have a large dog step on your feet.

E. Essential start to your day: 1)brush my teeth immediately, (I pee while brushing, TMI?) 2)wash face with ICE COLD water. 3)Eat breakfast 4) Check my e-mail 5) Get dressed.

F. Favourite colour: I love every colour in the right context but I think a really purple-ish indigo and a dusty rose colour are my favourites.

G. Gold or silver: I don't wear jewellery, but I love silver accents on china. Gold makeup looks better on me than silver. I think I like dark silver metallics clothing wise, but gold for fabrics in the home (like shower curtains and pillows). So both?

H. Height: 5' 8. I used to be taller but I have terrible posture.

I. Instruments you play(ed): None. So sad about that.

J. Job title: Waitress/Bar tender. Boo.

K. Kids: None yet, hope to adopt.

L. Live: Glasgow's West end. Tenement Flat above a restaurant (not the one I work in)

M. Mom’s name: Angelika, but she's German so its pronounced Ahn-gay-leek-ah

N. Nicknames: Twister, Billabong Barbie, Billabong....

O. Overnight hospital stays: Once I spent more than 24hrs in emerg while they tried to figure out what was wrong with my heart, but they never wound up admitting me, and then I spent a weekend in the psych ward when I had one (of three) mental breakdowns.

P. Pet peeves: Male machoism, drunk people, when Jeff leaves bits of food in the sink like noodles that slipped through the strainer.

Q. Quote from a movie: Well my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle. (from Firefly)

S. Siblings: None. :(

T. Time you wake up: I am currently trying to COMMIT to a sleep schedule of 11PM in bed lights out, 7AM bright eyed and bushy tailed. Last night I went to bed at 10:50 PM and woke up at 4:10AM. Oh well.

U. Underwear: Yes, I wear it too!!

V. Vegetables you don’t like: When I was a kid I gobbled up any veggie I could get my hands on. But I don't care how “hip” they are, Brussels sprouts are still disgusting. Also a lot of people don't like the slimey texture of asparagus but I don't mind that. What I do hate is how STRINGY the stalks are. But I do like the top bit.

W. What makes you run late: I'm never actually LATE, but I do rush to make up time if I get in an argument with Jeff. We can stand and talk semantics for hours so I have to say -I'm going to work now bye! No matter how much he hates it it has to be done.

X. X-rays you’ve had: on my teeth but also on my chest when I had heart concerns. (by the way the radiologist called my lungs “Beeeaauutiful!!” Go me)

Y. Yummy food you make: Smoothies, Vegan sandwiches (and by sandwiches I mean gourmet delights between bread), Quinoa and flax “oatmeal”, stir fry over sesame fried rice, mmm I'm hungry now, Sweet potato mash with vegan yoghurt in it, ratatouille, Tofu scramble (like eggs),

Z. Zoo animal favourites: I love aquariums. I am afraid of water so I'm not going to try scuba diving, but I love sea life and I'm fascinated by things like jelly fish and sea anenomies.

Meanness

2011-03-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

Jeff and I have disputes over Madonna. I'm impressed by her but Jeff thinks she is an awful person, mostly because of that video where Courtney Love threw make-up at her. I would agree that Madonna doesn't seem like a warm, cuddly person, but Jeff thinks not being warm is the same as being mean. I disagree with that on principle as Jeff also thinks I'm mean sometimes when really I'm not in a cuddly mood, and I have decided to back up my disagreement with actual proof.

After much research, my arguments are no longer based on a feeling, but on the words of Aristotle. He defined meanness using the terms nemesis, phthonos, and epikhairekakia. Researching these terms was both educational and fulfilling because I can now prove I am not mean.

The first term, nemesis, is "a painful response to another's undeserved good fortune". I recognize the word nemesis, or specifically arch-nemesis, from comic books. Cast as the hero's worst enemy, the arch-nemesis is bent on destroying the hero, often for reasons that are never well established. Within this context, Aristotle's definition initially made sense to me, as comic book villains often react irrationally towards others good fortune.

Nemesis was the Greek goddess of retribution. Retribution is punishment inflicted on someone as vengeance for a wrongdoing. Our legal system is based on the principles of retributive justice (vs. Transformative justice ) which considers punishment, if proportionate, a morally acceptable response to a crime. In the film A Time to Kill, Samuel L. Jacksons character, Carl Lee Hailey, commits a crime of retribution, seeking vengeance against his daughter's rapists when the law failed him. But vengeance is not a "response to another's undeserved good fortune" so how are they related?

Reading further, I found the goddess Nemesis was originally the maintainer of equilibrium and distributor of the fortune, either good or bad, that a person was due. She was involved in matters of money, happiness, and especially love. Nemesis was different than the Roman goddess Fortuna who, although tied closely to the ancient Roman virtue of Virtus, was the goddess of pure luck: using a wheel (of fortune), she spun fate at random, changing the positions of those on the wheel to cause either success or misfortune. The principles of Nemesis were similar to the Buddhist concept of karma, except Nemesis tallied good and bad deeds and measured out fortune accordingly. Eventually, Nemesis came to represent indignation or resentment caused by imbalance in the proportioned distribution of fortune, either good or bad, and included the sense of injustice that would not allow that disproportion to pass unpunished. The anger felt when “bad things happen to good people” or when “good things happen to bad people” is an example of nemesis. For Aristotle, the pain of nemesis is the resentment caused by perceiving someone as “undeserving” of their good fortune.

Aristotle describes phthonos as "a painful response to any good fortune, deserved or not”. Phthonus, the Greek daemon of jealousy and rivalry, was considered a counterpart to Nemesis. He had influence over both mortals and gods, and was said to have married many different women and then killed them because he suspected adultery. The Roman equivalent of Nemesis and Phthonus was Invidia, a goddess of jealousy and envy. Interestingly, the Romans considered it bad to be jealous, but also bad to be looked at by a jealous person. They feared someone's jealousy could work as a curse on those who had been prosperous or lucky, and a jealous gaze became an “evil eye”. Invidia, or envy, is one of the seven deadly sins of the Catholic church, and invidious means calculated to create ill will, cause animosity or resentment or give offence.

Although interchangeable, envy and jealousy can have different meanings. Envy describes feeling of discontent or resentful longing aroused by someone else's possessions, qualities, or luck, whereas jealousy is the fear of losing something to another person. In Aesop's fable, The Dog in the Manger, a dog looking for a nap jumped into the manger of an ox and slept in the straw. But the Ox, returning from its work, came to the manger to eat straw. The dog, in a rage, stood up and barked at the Ox, and when it came near, attempted to bite it. The ox had to give up hope of getting at the straw. In this story, the dog is jealous, not envious, because even though the straw belongs to the ox, if the ox eats it the dog will lose his bed.

The Greek word phthonos [fthon'-os] is commonly translated as “envy”. The Bible uses envy where phthonos appears:

1 Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, *envy*, and slander of every kind, 2 like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, 3 now that you have tasted that the Lord is good. (1 Peter 2:1-3 )

However, a better translation of phthonos, is “ill will” since phthonos is defined by displeasure at another's good without longing to raise oneself to the level of the envied, longing only to depress the envied to their own level. Phthonos is related to phtheiro (fthi'-ro), which is a verb that means to corrupt, to spoil or to ruin. The root (pht-) means “degenerate” (waste away) moving from fullness into a lower form. So envy, or simply longing for what someone else has is not phthonos, as phthonos is defined by its destructive element.

Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, ill will, and slander of every kind

The malicious nature of phthonos is lost when translated into envy, and ill will and slander fit better together, as they are both invidious.

phthonos/epikhairekakos

While Nemesis describes resentment from seeing someone as undeserving of good fortune, and phthonos is envy paired with a desire to destroy, the last term epikhairekakos, is a person who actually takes pleasure in another's ill fortune, and it translates to “joy upon evil”. This is more commonly known as Schadenfreude, the German word for the pleasure or satisfaction derived from another's misfortune. Schadenfreude is a loan word in English; although there is no official English word for it, “epicaricacy” appears unofficially as an anglicized version of epikhairekakos. Sadism and maliciousness would be Schadenfreude. Watching “funny” accident videos where someone slips or falls, or watching a celebrity like Britney Spears fall from super-stardom amidst a media circus is Schadenfreude.

Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth (Proverbs 24:17)

Ancient Greek culture was built on social principles of avoiding shame and seeking honour, similar to Japanese culture. Aedos was the spirit of reverence, respect, shame, and modesty. She was a companion of Nemesis. Aidos as a quality refers to the feelings of reverence or shame which prevent you from dong wrong. Hubris, in modern language, refers to haughtiness or arrogance, but in ancient Greece it was the antonym to aidos and meant insolence, contempt, lack of respect, or excessive violence. Aristotle described hubris as “doing and saying things that cause shame to the victim…. Retaliation is not hubris, but revenge. Young men and the rich are hubristic because they think they are better than other people.”

So what is the difference between epikhairekakos and hubris? Since behaviour in ancient Greece was dictated by social morays, or ethos, based on principles of shame and honour, hubris was a transgression of pride and arrogance, whereas Epikharekakos was a personality flaw. Having no respect for your elders is hubris, enjoying an old person get ridiculed is epikhairekakos.

Mournig for Icarus
- Herbert James Draper

In Greek court, hubris was used as a legal term to describe crimes like the mutilation of a corpse, humiliation of a defeated foe, rape, anal sex, and the theft or defilement of sacred property, and it was the highest crime in ancient Greece. As Greek had a word for error (hamartia) but not for sin, hubris was sometimes used to describe wrongful actions of those who challenged the gods or their laws. Nemesis came to be known as the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumbed to hubris before the gods. Used in Greek tragedy, actions performed by the hero because of the flaw of hubris (depicted as an excess of ambition, pride or arrogance) leads to their ruin. Icarus, escaping Crete using wings made of wax and feathers, ignored his fathers warnings and flew too close to the sun, where the wax melted and he plummeted to his death. Every superhero has their arch-nemesis, and pride, through the retribution of Nemisis, is the heroes worst enemy in Greek tragedy.

Epikhairekakos is not an issue for me as compassion is my strength. Misfortune doesn't normally give me pleasure. This is actually a social barrier for me, since I am perceived as humourless for not participating in derogatory humor. However, by not participating in epicaric social interaction or pointing out its flaws, I embarrass or debase others, which is mean. Sometimes I feel envious or covetous of peoples things or achievements, but its not phthonos because I don't want to destroy it, I only wish I had it too, even though I might not deserve it. Usually though, I take pleasure in the successes and good fortune of others instead of feeling envy. The Buddhist principle of Mudhita, or sympathetic or vicarious joy, is the opposite of envy and is considered a cure for epicaricacy, so in those areas I feel confident saying I am not mean. Nemesis is where I'm flawed. I lament over the fact that my boss has an enormous salary and plays iphone games all day, while I toil for minimum wage. I have a hard time not begrudging heirs/esses their extravagant lifestyles, which they did not work to earn. In the parable of the workers in the vineyard, Jesus said:

1 For the kingdom of heaven of heaven is like a landowner who went out early in the morning to hire workers for his vineyard. 2 And after agreeing with the workers for the standard wage, he sent them into his vineyard. 3 When it was about nine o’clock in the morning, he went out again and saw others standing around in the market place without work. 4 And he said to them, “You go into the vineyard too and I will give you whatever is right.” 5 So they went. When he went out again about noon and three o’clock that afternoon, he did the same thing. 6 And about five o’clock that afternoon he went out and found others standing around, and he said to them, “Why are you standing here all day without work?” 7 They said to him, “Because no one has hired us.” He said to them, “You go and work in the vineyard too.”

8 When it was evening, the owner of the vineyard said to his manager, “Call the workers and give the pay starting with the last hired until the first.” 9 When those hired about five o’clock came, each received a full day’s pay. 10 And when those hired first came, they though they would receive more. But each one also received the standard wage. 11 When they received it, they began to complain against the landowner, 12saying, “These last fellows worked one hour, and you have made them equal to us who bore the hardship and burning heat of the day.

13 And the landowner replied to one of them, “Friend, I am not treating you unfairly. Didn’t you agree with me to work for the standard wage? 14 Take what is yours and go. I want to give this last man the same as I gave to you. 15 Am I not permitted to do what I want with what belongs to me? Or are you envious because I am generous? 16 So the last will be first, and the first will be last.” (Matthew 20:1-16)

The lesson of this parable is that the last will be first, and the first will be last in heaven. The important message for me, however, is “I am not being unfair to you, friend.” I don't need the promise of reward in the after life, I need to be content with what is provided to me and not think of myself as more deserving than other people. Nemesis is my nemesis, since it disrupts my inner balance, positivity, and peace of mind, and it is definitely something I have to work on. I need to contemplate the Taoist principle of the un-carved block (P'u), defines existence as pure experience, free from learned definitions or labels like right or wrong, beautiful or ugly. P'u is the state of being that is the goal of following wu wei, or knowing when to act and when to not act to keep equilibrium. I find this fitting since Nemesis was the goddess of maintaining equilibrium.

Wake up and move.

2011-02-17T03:20:00.000-08:00

Getting out of bed is the hardest thing I ever have to do.

Although my life is admittedly very easy, it's the mental strain of getting out of bed that is so hard to bear. I can lay silent under my bedding for an hour, tense and anxious before mustering enough courage to throw myself out into the world. And the world isn't so bad, and after 10 minutes of being out of bed I remember that. I relax, and I can get on with my day.

Sometimes it works in my favor, because when some little challenge presents itself, I think about it in a detached sort of way and realize it can't be harder than getting out of bed in the morning.

Although I think in the end that just contributes to the next days fear.

Dance Video - Eleanor Powell

2011-02-16T18:03:00.000-08:00

Eleanor Powell - Born to Dance

Soul Mates

2011-01-25T00:41:00.000-08:00

“A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

Ye Christmas Traditions

2010-12-09T01:06:00.000-08:00

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper, especially unique or home-made paper (even old newspaper works for me(

2. Real tree or Artificial? Right now I have an artificial table top tree that I found last spring. But I normally advocate real trees because they smell so divine and are more sustainable.

3. When do you put up the tree? This year, in a fit of insomnia and home sickness, I put it up Nov. 5^th.

4. When do you take the tree down? Early January.

5. Do you like eggnog? Every attempt to drink eggnog as a child met with some disaster or sickness. I'm now vegan so its not really an issue.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Love. And a Mickey mouse (from Fantasia) blanket that I still have, and is literally worn so thin you can see through it.

7. Hardest person to buy for? Jeff, because he hates Christmas.

8. Easiest person to buy for? My dad, because he loves books, and I love books.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? If only I were that organized....

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I don't really think Christmas is about the gifts. There were probably a bunch of totally forgettable presents I got as a kid but the real point was the family aspect, and I always understood that.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? Does Die Hard count? No? I liked A wish for wings that work, and a Claymation Christmas.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? I'm not really into buying (or getting) gifts, but I tend to “pick things up” throughout the year when I find super stand out items that really remind me of someone. You can never find the perfect gift last minute.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yep, but only if the new recipient obviously suits it more than I do (no passing the unwanted scented candle)

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Chocolate.

16. Lights on the tree (colored or clear)? Warm white or light blue.

17. Favorite Christmas song? Carol of the bells was always beautiful. I like some classic rock/blues/funk chgristmas songs like “blue decorations” by B.B. King

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Usually, travel to the homes of close family and friends, but since I'm in the UK, I stay put since I have no where to go.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yep. Blitzen is my favourite. Santa is clearly driving drunk reindeer.

20. Angel, star or ribbon on top of tree? I currently have a star but my parents always had an angel (weird now that I realize that they aren't Christian)

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? One present Christmas night, the rest in the morning.

22. Favorite children's Christmas song? Aren't they all kind of sweet and youthful?

23. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Shopping. Malls filled with misguided people and consumerism.

24. Favorite ornament theme or color? I like little wooden ornaments, or anything with sparkles.

25. Turkey or ham on Christmas day? TOFURKEY!!!

26. What do you want for Christmas this year? Happiness :(

27. Does anyone in your family dress up as Santa? No, but my dad once clipped his whiskers to leave traces of santa on the milk and cookies I left out (or cookies and scotch...that should have been my first clue santa wasn't real. Then again, he does have a reindeer named blitzen)

28. Age you discovered who Santa was? It was a gradual lack of enthusiasm. At two, when my parents tried to introduce the idea of santa to me, I was (according to my parents) thoroughly unimpressed with the idea. Movies about Santa helped but I don't know if I ever truly bought it.

29. Eggnog, hot chocolate, or apple cider? Hot (soy) chocolate or apple cider (I'll take the non-alcoholic version over the sparkling stuff)

30. Traditional colors (red and green) or other colors? I like it as long as its all one colour group (or one colour accented by gold or silver). Not pink, purple or anything resembling cotton candy.

31. Do you have any Christmas decorations on your roof? Nope, out roof doesn't belong to us.

32. How does Santa get into your house? Chimney or magic key? We had a chimney, but my parents didn't try to push it too hard.

33. Do you prefer gifts or gift cards? Gifts, but they can be smal and/or worthless as long as they have thought behind them (I love hand made things, even if they are badly made)

34. Favorite children's Christmas Cartoon? Claymation christmas, Nightmare before christmas, and the Grinch (both old and new versions)

Done with blogging for now

2010-11-17T01:36:00.000-08:00

I quit.

I'm not that interesting and I'm not a great writer.

My life is an endless stream of stress and insomnia right now.

My SAD has left me un inspired.

I need some inspiration.

I need some LSD.

I don't need a blog.

Do your ears hang low?

2010-11-05T09:34:00.000-07:00

Do you remember that good old nursery rhyme "do your ears hang low"

Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

I remember my mom explaining that that little ditty was sung by the Brits, making fun of the Americans during the American Revolution. Who knows, maybe this is why I wanted a history degree.

The thing is, I only ever sang that one verse. I'd do the little hand motions and jump around and probably finish it off with Jazz hands. Little did I know that was NOT THE ONLY VERSE!!

The whole song goes as follows:

Do your ears hang low?
Do they wobble to and fro?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bow?
Can you throw them o'er your shoulder
like a continental soldier?
Do your ears hang low?

Do your ears hang high?
Do they reach up to the sky?
Do they droop when they are wet?
Do they stiffen when they're dry?
Can you semaphore your neighbour
with a minimum of labour?
Do your ears hang high?

Do your ears flip-flop?
Can you use them for a mop?
Are they stringy at the bottom?
Are they curly at the top?
Can you use them for a swatter?
Can you use them for a blotter?
Do your ears flip-flop?

Do your ears hang out?
Can you waggle them about?
Can you flip them up and down
as you fly around the town?
Can you shut them up for sure
when you hear an awful bore?
Do your ears hang out?

Aside from longer children's songs being a modicum less annoying than short ones, the rest of the song is pretty cute.

Oh- and 10 points for using the word semaphore in a childresn's song

Semaphore, from Ancient Greek σῆμα (sêma), “‘sign’”, and φωρος (phoros), “‘bearing, bearer’”
A visual system for sending information by means of two flags that are held one in each hand, using an alphabetic code based on the position of the signaler's arms.

Insomnia, Insanity

2010-11-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when its 5AM and I can't fall asleep...

Sometimes, when I realize my closest friends are a thousand miles away...
Sometimes, when I want to move to New York City and never tell a soul where I went...
Sometimes, when I feel alone...
Sometimes, when I am scared...
Sometimes, when I realize I haven't seen my family in a long time...
Sometimes, when I want to cut myself...
Sometimes, when I feel sad...
Sometimes when I am left alone...
Sometimes, when I realize my life is expiring and I have achieved nothing...
Sometimes, when I want to be addicted to drugs...
Sometimes, when I feel stupid...
Sometimes, when I am questioning my sanity...

I need to whisper blithering insanities at the top of my lungs.
I need to rant like a schizophrenic, in non-sequitors that make perfect sense to someone else's abstract conclusions of meaning.
I need to tear out my hair, too short to grip because I already cut it all off in a fit of adventure.
I need to scream and flail and run into things until, in their fear, they sedate me with dangerous and brain altering chemicals.

I need to be
Actually
Insane

But I'm not creative enough.

So I'll be an insomniac instead.

Giving Thanks

2010-11-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

I know that Canadian thanksgiving has come and gone, but I have always felt that it was too early in the year. I know this has to do with our shortened agricultural seasons but I have always wanted to have thanksgiving in November like in the States. Perhaps it is because, having American family, I always got to celebrate both thanksgivings, and the November one just seemed to fit better.

A November thanksgiving means the calendar year is at a close, and the school year has been going for a while. It means the abundance of summer is gone, the cold has set in, the days have shortened and the time of hot beverages has come.

For me, it also means the start of my Seasonal Depression. I can feel it crawling in, draining my energy, taking my sleep and my enthusiasm away from me. It gets harder to fight seasonal depression the more it sets in. Right now I'm still going to the gym, but I'm sure that will change.

So for me, this is an especially important time to give thanks, because over the next few months it will get harder and harder to remember the things I have to be thankful for.

1. I am thankful for Jeffie. I am so thankful that he is in my life. I feel like he should have a list of thankfulness on his own. I'm thankful for the security and support he gives me, I'm thankful for the hugs and the kisses and the way he helps wipe up my endless tears. I'm thankful that he is calm, because I can be so volatile sometimes. I'm thankful that he doesn't let me push him around, because I have learned to be more patient with others through learning to be patient with him. I am thankful he thinks I'm a genius, because when I feel foolish or stupid, it helps to know that a REAL genius thinks I'm pretty smart. I'm thankful he is not like anyone else, because that makes me feel more unique and special to be a part of his life.

2. I am thankful for my health, because I have done lots of things to my body that could have easily killed me or ruined my health forever.

3. I am thankful for the health of my family, so that I don't have to worry about them all the time, or go through the pain of watching them with chronic illness. I am also thankful that I have a family-in-law, because my family is quite small but Jeff's is medium-large sized,

4. I am thankful for my one set of remaining grandparents. They are funny and sweet. I think my Grandmother and I are a lot alike (except she's far more functional).

5. I am thankful I got to know my other grandmother on a deeply personal level, literally 2 weeks before her bone cancer spread to her brain and she was no longer the same person.

6. I am thankful that this lab in Scotland that Jeff is at is the best one in the world for his purposes. I am thankful Scotland is a safe place to live (with the exception of neds) with free healthcare and no natural disasters.

7. I am thankful that I found a job. As much as I might hate it, there are many people here far more qualified than I, that can't even get jobs at a grocery store. I am thankful that even though times are hard for a lot of people, we are still better off than most people. - Click here if you want to do something about it.

8. I am thankful for my friends, who have stuck by me no matter what, even though I can't say I have always done the same. I am so undeserving of your love, yet so incredibly grateful for it.

9. I'm thankful for every deep and intellectually stimulating conversation I have ever had.

10. Last but not least I am grateful that this year, for the first time in my life, I have started to create a relationship with Jesus. I have lost the ignorance that was holding me back, I'm no longer fooled by people who do bad things in the name of the Lord and call themselves Christians. Belief in God is a kind of freedom I have never known. Which is totally counter-intuitive to my previously anti-christian/religious mindset.

What do YOU have to be thankful for?

A published article

2010-11-01T10:04:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my unhealthy obsession with Mad Men and a Gumtree post asking for bloggers for a handbag retailers website, I wrote a fashion article. I fully realize the blog is just advertising for the retail portion of the website but it was still fun to write.

Click here to read my very first published writing.

I would like to note that when I sent in the article, I forgot to add a title. I would have come up with something more interesting like "The ascension of the attache" or something.

The name on it is Billabong Barbie, a moniker my work mates gave me. Before I shaved my head I was tall and blond, and pretty, and I looked like a surfer girl. Incidentally, it uses part of my real name but that was missed by the people who created it. They still call me Billabong at work but dropped the Barbie part, which might have more to do with its unwieldy length as it does with me not looking like a barbie anymore.

Its nice to see something I wrote on a website people actually visit. On the down side of this publishing business, I was going to submit a poem for the national poetry competition. The deadline was October 31st. I was at Westfest and forgot.

Oops.

Український танець - Unkrainian Dance

2010-10-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

Repeat after me: Моє судно на повітряній подушці наповнене вуграми

I used to do Ukrainian dance. In most major cities you have to actually be Ukrainian in order to do Ukrainian dance, as most of the lessons are taught in Ukrainian. But Kingston is a small small city, and the woman who ran it not only had non-Ukrainian friends, but knew the importance of sharing culture. Ukrainians can be very isolationist, and through the running of our dance group, we mixed young generations of average (white) Canadians with the elderly generations of Ukrainian immigrants in our community. Some of them could hardly speak English. Some had been in concentration camps. They ran the administrative parts of our yearly dance festival, and we all had a ton of fun.

It had a huge influence on my life. I started ballet because of Ukrainian dance, and dance was what sparked my interest in musical theater. I also wrote a 20 page essay on Ukrainian self determination during WWII. My Russian professor was very impressed, he learned something. Son of a bitch only gave me a B+.

I am the giant second to the right. Not only are the heels on my boots smaller, but my flower wreath is actually thinner to make me look shorter :D

I would recommend going to cultural festivals, they are entertaining and either cheap or free entry. The food is fabulous.

Oh and the writing at the top?

It says "My hovercraft is full of eels"

Proshchannya!

This is what my brain looks like:

2010-10-24T15:44:00.000-07:00

The curved parts are my gray matter, the books are my memories, and the stairs are neurons conecting one idea to another.

Except in my brain there are weird, stressed out, schizophrenic, beatnik women in strange dresses and peculiar shoes running up and down the stairs and falling over the railings in a desperate attempt to find the proper book without a reference.

Literary Cocktails!!

2010-10-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

I worked for a month or two in this bar/restaurant in Glasgow called the Hillhead Bookclub.

It is a pretty nice place, the decor has many pseudo-steam-punk elements which I liked a lot. Some of the staff were really nice but the whole place had a I'm-too-good-for-this sort of feel, employed sanctimonious art students, the majority of whom happened to be lousy workers. That made my life harder.

A picture from the Hillhead Bookclub's steam punk inspired web site/PR campaign

I used to work at a 50's Diner called Mel's Diner (from American Graffiti) where everything was 50s themed. The waitresses wore these awful dresses, and the menu had things like the Bogart burger. I had a love/hate relationship with that job. I hated it but loved the money. It might have been a contributing factor to me dropping out of school.

Shortly after moving to Scotland, Mel's Diner burned to the ground.

Themed restaurants are annoying. But when I was working at the bookclub, I always maintained they should have done something with the whole BOOK part of the bookclub. Books are steam-punk, and would have fit into the décor but there were none to be seen,

After much deliberation (with myself) I came up with a literary-themed cocktail list. This would have the added benefit of attracting a clientèle that can actually read. Also a conversation piece for the un-pretentious who are not afraid to ask “what book is this from?”

I love making, mixing and shaking cocktails. As a non-drinker I love to play bartender at parties (and have the occasional sample taste without having to drink whole glasses)

Sample List:

Boo Radley- (White Russian) – 1 shot vodka, 2 shot kaluha, topped with milk. I'm not sure how soy milk would be in this recipe, although the kaluha is a cream liqueur anyways. I've never had a white Russian so you'll have to try it.

Sherlock Holmes – 1 shot Absinthe, 1 shot vodka, Red bull, dash of black currant cordial

Quasimodo- 1 shot cognac, 2 shots chambord, over ice

Don Quixote – Small Red wine( a spanish one like tempranillo for theme), dash soda, dash sprite, lemon juice, 1 shot dark rum.

Robinson Crusoe – 2 shots Coconut Rum, equal parts Pineapple Juice and orange juice, topped with grenadine.

Scarlett O'Hara – 2 shots southern comfort, 1 shot amaretto, cranberry juice

There will be people who order classic or well known cocktails. These can be listed in relation to famous authors:

Mark Twains- Mint Julep

Dostoyevsky's- Vodka Martini

Earnest Hemmingway's Cosmopolitan (tee hee)

Hunter S. Tom Collins

Bloody Mary Shelly

Dostoyevsky's Vodka Martini

Virgin drinks/mocktails would be characters from children's books:

Aslan- Ginger beer + Lime

Peter Pan - Ginger ale + Apple juice

Pollyanna – A new moniker for a classic Shirley Temple mocktail

Anne of green gables – virgin ceasar

Tom Sawyer – Apple juice, Black currant cordial or other berry juice, dash sprite.

Admittedly my mocktail list is weak, but if you have any good recipes send them my way!

I'm suddenly thirsty ;)

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

2010-10-19T18:24:00.000-07:00

The original Hunchback of Notre dame is a depressing and cruel tale. [spoiler] Everyone dies, including the goat. I much prefer Disney's The Hunchback of Notre Dame even though, like most Disney movies, its not accurate to the book. I think it is the most underrated Disney film of all time. Not only is it a beautiful film with beautiful music, but it tackles the duality of human nature and the joy and pain, hope and fear, prosperity and peril that religion has wielded over the centuries.

The opening of the movie is nothing less than epic. 300 eat your heart out.

Turn up your speakers or better yet, put on your headphones:

You know with an opening like that, its going to be a good movie.

Next we have the obligatory feel good/inspirational Disney song (reminds me of Go the Distance from Hercules)

I sometimes feel like Quasimodo, a daydreamer with big fears.

This next song, called God Help the Outcasts, is one of the most beautiful, mournful, poignant musical songs. Its so full of hope but so jaded, and its so pure in the face of corruption.

I wish my prayers were as nice as hers :(

The next song is also religion oriented. Its sung by a sweet man who thinks he will never get into heaven, and an evil man who thinks he righteous in the eyes of the Lord.

This next song is one of the lighter songs in the movie, but I like it because it shows how the underworld really is as corrupt as the world above, but not as corrupt as those looking down on it think it is.

And last we have the Reprise to The Bells of Notre Dame, where you can see happy, erroneous ending of the movie.

If you haven't seen it, I hope this has been compelling.

How to love your office job

2010-10-17T05:58:00.000-07:00

Having never had one myself, I'm inclined to be jealous of those that do, so here's my completely unqualified opinion on how to make office jobs better.

1.Don't have an awful boss. Annoying is tolerable, but mean is not. If you are doing your job and your superiors are making you feel bad (especially for any personal, non-work related things) get out. If a co-worker is bullying you, tell them it bothers you, and if they persist, report them.

2.Shorten your commute as much as possible. Working for 8 or 10 hours with an hour commute each direction means you have a 10 or 12 hour work day.

3.If you can, take the train or bus to work. Offices are often in down town areas where congestion and parking are giant hassles. Reading a book on the train is a much better way to start your day. If you must start your work day early, use a laptop and don't make calls that disrupt other peoples non-working commutes.

4.Wear nice clothes. They don't have to be expensive, just things you actually like wearing so you can have a little enthusiasm for the day. If your office is super conservative...that's too bad dude.

5.Don't spend your office job pay-check on stuff, spend it on experiences. Trade a penchant for shoes into a penchant for weekend beach trips or trips to the theater. If the rest of your life is awesome, you either won't mind your office job or you'll have higher standards for yourself and upgrade.

6.Enjoy your weekends. Do as many chores and errands during the week as you can so you have the time to relax, unwind, and have fun on the weekend. Weekends are for doing those things you never seem to get around to, like calling family or going to an art gallery.

7.Don't smoke and drink coffee all day long. Stimulants agitate you, so frustrations in the work day will seem that much worse, probably leading to more cigarettes. Oh and cancer and heart disease.

8.Do take breaks. Just not cigarette breaks. Get out of the building for lunch, even if that means packing a lunch and eating it on a park bench outside. Fresh air and sunlight do the body good. Don't think you can take a break? You'd be surprised at what even 5 minutes of R&R will do for your productivity. And happiness.

9.Try to find at least one positive thing about every single person you work with. Good looks don't count. You might think its impossible, but people can surprise you.

10.Get a job you actually like doing every day. I know the economy is tight and not everyone can have their dream job. If you are super inspired, go with that. If you just want a job so you can have money, then don't do tasks you especially dislike, such as answering phones.

The thing I really hate about my job? How my schedule is never set in stone, I usually work on weekends, and how I know I live best when I actually wake up in the morning but last night I was up until 4:00AM and today I slept until 1:00, completely missing church. There are so many things I should be ding right now, but I think I'll watch some Disney movies until I go back in to work for 6:00. Yay TV addiction.

If you are reading this while at work, let me introduce you to the Scottish word Skive.

Skive: Verb. The practice of avoiding responsibilities because you want to do something more fun or just do not want to do what you should be doing.
"He's such a skiver" or "I'm totally skiving right now " are appropriate uses of the words.

Here is a picture of a tiger and a monkey for your troubles:

Quote of the day...

2010-10-15T00:38:00.000-07:00

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. - Albert Einstein

Why I shaved my head

2010-10-06T18:36:00.000-07:00

The reasons why I shaved my head are pretty straight forward. We don't have a bath anymore, and dreadlocks are a pain to shower with, Jeff was allergic to the dust my wee dreads had accumulated over 3.5 years, and I was getting tired of him sleeping at the foot of the bed. Also, I have psoriasis, and I have been dying for a god scratch for....well, 3.5 years. People's reactions have generally been positive, although I sent my parents a picture and my dad said I look weird. Thanks dad.

What I find even more interesting than how cool it feels to have a #2 (no seriously, it's a trip), is the reactions I have been getting. People see my shaved head as a symbol of my thick skin and enviable confidence. Except here's a not so secret: I don't have a thick skin. Shaving my head was bold, not brave. I'm not trying to prove a point or make a stand. I wasn't trying to rebel against society or show off how free a spirit I am. No, that's what the dreadlocks were for. Shaving my head was freeing myself from trying to prove I'm a free spirit, and ultimately not a big deal to me at all.

I don't feel like I need my hair to be attractive. Yes, I have a fairly pleasant and attractive face, but since bald women are so few and far between, I don't have much evidence to support that women look proportionally either more or less attractive with or without their hair. On the one hand, luscious hair is a feature women can hide behind, on the other, long hair often obscures pretty facial features like eyes and cheekbones, which get to be revealed with shorter/no hair. And even if you are just “kind of” pretty, and I consider myself to be more than "kind of" pretty, good character will make you beautiful. If you are a horrible person, the best hair in the world couldn't make you attractive. I've drifted in and out of the less attractive personality category, but I'm working on that.

Biologically, our hair is an indicator of health, so it seems reasonable that biologically, we would grow out long hair as a way to attract a mate. But lets face it, we all can't have Jessica Simpson's hair. Actually, her hair is not all real so I suppose she doesn't have Jessica Simpson hair either. But if hair really is a sexually attractive trait, then why do the majority of men cut theirs off?

Hair for humans is whats called a secondary sexual characteristic, which means it distinguishes the sexes without being related to reproductive organs. Women in the west are supposed to have hair on their heads but none on their legs, while men should not shave their legs but can shave their face and head if they want. These things supposedly differentiate the sexes. Historically, women who had relationships or associations with German occupiers during WWII had their heads publicly shaved, often in front of crowds of jeering people. It was a brutal humiliation that served to (semi) permanently push those women into the outskirts of society. No hiding. The differentiation from “regular” women was part of the shunning. Women in concentration camps also had their heads shaved to prevent escape and their hair was used for wool and felt (ew). Prison inmates and psychiatric ward patients sometimes have their hair shaved partly to prevent the spread of lice, but also to erase their former personality.

And as a former dreadlocks wearing earth-child, I know that hair can be a central part of dividing us socially. All dress codes are part of a larger system of cultural codes; it is unusual for a clique or a social group (think greasers, hippies, punk rockers, ravers, ect) to not make a statement with hair, and it seems that hair is taken to be a much more of a statement of personal creed than a simple change of clothes. That is why the high/low lighted, straightened, shoulder length hair of the girls in my high school was as much a statement as the bright pink half mowhawk I rocked in that era. My statement was more "unique", but theirs was still a defining characteristic of who they were. I guess the world regards what we do with our hair as part of our identities, and in turn we begin to regard our hair as part of our identity as well. That's why everyone thinks I'm so brave, since imagining separating themselves from a central part of themselves is a terrifying thought.

Even though I consider myself to be well embedded in the feminine side of the gender spectrum, I am now considered unfeminine and probably just plain odd by most people. Technically, I'm a gender bender now. Which is a little disappointing, considering how banal a shaved head on a girl really is, once you strip away the cultural attachment to hair. But I'll rock it anyway.

My TV addiction.

2010-10-06T09:54:00.000-07:00

I spend too much time watching TV. I know everyone says that but for me it's really true. I don't even own a real TV because I know that if I had one I would just plunk myself down in front of it and never leave, chain watching shows like an prison inmate chain smoking cigarettes; and yet I still manage to waste endless hours on the internet watching shows I think are important.

My problem is not shows that are on the air now, (although I love Glee, Grey's anatomy, House, Lie to me, Southpark and The United states of Tara) its all the TV shows of the past that get me. From short runs like Firefly, Mental, and Clone High, to epic series like Frasier, Buffy, Star Trek, and Six feet Under, I will serially watch an entire show from Pilot to series finale. I will watch multiple episodes a day, or I'll zip through an episode if I have a spare 45 mins, and sometimes I'll even watch only half a show if I only have half that time. If there is some regret I will have when I am lying on my deathbed, it will not be “oh I wish I watched more TV”. I am squandering my youth on the story lines of non-existant people's lives.

So why do I do it? Escapism is certainly a big part of it. When I am watching something fictional, my brain turns off it's gauge of reality. Logically, I know it's fiction but I still get wrapped up in what I'm watching because logic and reasoning takes a back seat to emotional responses. Part of it is having high levels of anxiety. My anxiety makes things uncomfortable, so it is why the escapism feels so good: not only do I not have to deal with running myself in circles, but I don't have to deal with anything at all. I spend a lot of time in my own head, and tuning in to TV is how I tune out of reality.

Photo: Model: Mark Oliver; Snooki and television: Getty Images

Unfortunately, this whole tune in to tune out thing just end up turning me into a zombie. Sure, I'm not panicking about everything, but ultimately I'm not engaged in anything in my life at all. Even if I'm super happy and I turn on a show out of habit, by the end of it my enthusiasm will be flat-lining. I will have entered zombie mode, at which point there is nothing to do but start watching another show. I will select another show, mindlessly ignoring the notion that I have no life: time flies, the day ends, and I have done nothing.

There are a lot better ways of dealing with a free time+anxiety combo. I could draw or paint, do yoga, meditate or pray, or even just read but no...no...I watch TV. Watching TV doesn't even count as a hobby, and yet I forgo all other activities to watch it because it is so easy to do. It is literally the easiest thing you can do:eating burns more calories than watching TV does. It is so flashy and entertaining that I don't even need to use my attention span. And as a bonus incentive, when I watch TV I have no fear that some little nagging thought will burble to the surface since my brain gets turned OFF completely.

TV is my new addiction and I have to stop.

Kingdom Building with Pat Mesiti

2010-10-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago C7 church, which is an offshoot of Hillsong, had a guest speaker, Pat Mesiti, who came to do a kingdom builders sermon (about funding the house). His message was that a) God wants his believers to be rich, b) that Jesus was himself wealthy, and c) give a tenth of your wealth to the church, and then give some more. It has taken me a while to write this because I am not very well versed in the Bible, and I needed to do some research to prove my intuitions were actually true.

It is my belief (so feel free to disagree) that God gave us the gift of life, and Jesus inspires us to live. God gives us many blessings, and if someone only wants to count their fiscal blessings then yes, the Lord wants us to be rich. But what about Matthew 19:24 when Jesus said “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God”? Well, according to Pat you would have to be STUPID (yes, he said it in caps lock) to believe it was an actual camel and an actual needle!!! Supposedly, (and this is apparently widely believed, so Pat wasn't making it up himself) there was a gate in Jerusalem called the eye of the needle; after dark, when the main gates were shut, travelers or merchants would have to use this small gate. The story goes a camel could not pass through it unless it first had all its baggage removed, and secondly crawled through the gate on its knees. Except that gate didn't exist. There is no mention of it, a gate that supposedly everyone in Jerusalem would know about, at all until the 15th century, when this interpretation was first cited. Also, when reading about this, I learned that the Aramaic spelling of the word rope and the word camel are the same, so the passage might actually read “It is easier for a rope to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God”. Needles are so hard to thread in the first place, and with a rope it might look like you should get it in, and you keep attempting it, but it will never fit. Many followers of Jesus today, and obviously many more in the past, are poor but they are happy and blessed. To equate fiscal prosperity with faith and blessing is, in my opinion, misinterpreting the teachings of the New Testament.

As for Jesus being rich, Pat had a few arguments, all of which I adamantly disagree with. No one knows what Jesus did between the ages of 13 and 30. Yet Pat says that since everyone in biblical times learned the family trade, and Joseph was a carpenter so Jesus would have learned to be a carpenter too, and since he was the son of God he would be the BEST carpenter, and that would make him a wealthy man. I lead with this point, not because it was the first point Pat used but because it so beautifully illustrates the absurdity of these arguments. Let me just repeat: NO ONE KNOWS what Jesus did between the ages of 13 and 30. Yes, he could have been a carpenter, he also could have spent time in synagogues, he could have traveled, he could have sat in the desert and meditated, or it could have just taken 17 years for God to fully explain the universe to him. Who knows. But lets assume, based on what the rest of the not-our-saviour population would have done (W.W.notJ.D), that Jesus became a carpenter. He would have been the best carpenter ever. But a table is just a table, and one person (and lets call Jesus a person at this point because we can assume if he had been using miracles to materialize tables like fishes and loaves we WOULD have heard something about it) can only produce so many tables, chairs, banister, cabinets ect. Unless Jesus created a fleet of carpenters, this would not have been the capitalistic venture Pat was implying. But this is all speculation, so lets fast forward to where there is some evidence in the Bible we can use.

Pat said that Jesus was SO rich, he needed a treasurer, and Judas Iscariot (the treasurer) was stealing out of the purse, and no one noticed. Why? Because there was so much in it that no one could tell anything was missing!!! (yes, he said it in italics). Except the bible doesn't say that Judas was a treasurer, it says he “held the common purse”. Common, as in for everyone, all twelve apostles as well as Jesus. There is no mention of a surplus of money that would need a treasurer, only that what money there was was looked after by one person. If I give two kids one £10 note to go to the candy store, is the one who carries the money the treasurer? Also, when Judas stole money it went unnoticed by the apostles, not Jesus. There is not enough money in the world for God to lose track of a single cent. Jesus LET Judas do what he did. Maybe it was because Judas' greed was what led to his eventual crucifixion. In Luke 22:22 Jesus says “For indeed, the Son of Man is going as it has been determined; but woe to that man by whom He is betrayed!”. Jesus knew Gods plan, so perhaps because Jesus did not rebuke Judas for stealing because it was part of the plan. But again, I'm just speculating.

Pat also maintained that Jesus was rich, otherwise how could he have afforded to keep such a retinue of disciples? How else could he have afforded to take so much time off work? Oh PLEASE! Time off work? Humanities salvation was his entire life's mission! The industrial carpentry cash cow can wait! “For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though he was rich, yet for your sakes he became poor, so that you through his poverty might become rich.”( 2 Corinthians 8:9)

And as for the disciples being expensive, Pat used a strange hybrid version of the feeding of the multitudes that went something like this: “The apostles went to Jesus and said we need to buy all these people food, but its too late and too remote and we won't make it before the shops close” I'm not kidding. He then went on to use his version to prove that they had enough money to feed 5,000 people. Except in the synoptic gospels (Matthew Mark Luke) it says these people should go to buy themselves food, while in Luke it mentions lodging as well. In John 6:15, Jesus asks Phillip "Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?" but this is a loaded question since, as Phillip replies "Eight months' wages would not buy enough bread for each one to have a bite", Jesus knows they do not have the money to do so. Jesus first told his apostle in Matthew 10:9 “Do not take along any gold or silver or copper in your belts; take no bag for the journey, or extra tunic, or sandals or a staff; for the worker is worth his keep.” Meaning he and the apostles taught and gave sermons and they were in turn provided for BY their students. A worker is worth his keep.

What are tithes? A tithe literally means any tax, levy, or the like, esp. of one-tenth, but now only really applies to religious donations. In the Old Testament times God gave people commandments One of the commandments was a law about tithing. “A tithe of everything from the land, whether grain from the soil or fruit from the trees, belongs to the Lord” (Lev.27:30) Having received earthly blessings, the people of God gave the first and best tenth of all they had for the upkeep of God’s Temple. God gives you 10 coins? You give Him one back as a thank you, to upkeep His house. Now, whenever tithing is mentioned, people will conjure up images of Catholics and Scientologists bathing in loot from indulgences and intensives. But tithing is an important part of church, it helps pay expenses, pay staff, and fund charitable endeavours in the community (ever notice how many soup kitchens are run by Christians?) so in a way, tithing is paying to maintain a relationship with the word of god and sharing its benefits with others. By being less attached to personal wealth, and becoming more involved in the church community, tithing facilitates prosperity, it's like an infection. This 2008 list says that the 100 largest churches in the US have between 7,000 and 44,000 attendees. I have no idea what those churches do with 10% of that many peoples wealth.

Pat Mesiti is from a mega church, he told us that if we give money to God, God will give us MORE money back. Yep, using personal testimonies he illustrated how every generous donation he gave to the church saw massive returns, which makes sense since he works for some of those those evangelical mega churches I mentioned. It also ignores the fact that, as a millionaire, Pat Mesiti has income to spare.

Along with many other billionaires, Warren Buffet is giving away 99% of his money to charity. Which sounds impossible until you realize he is SO wealthy that he will still have several MILLION dollars with only 1% of his current wealth. Here is a link to his pledge letter, it is beautiful.

Here is a quote :

“Millions of people who regularly contribute to churches, schools, and other organizations thereby relinquish the use of funds that would otherwise benefit their own families. The dollars these people drop into a collection plate or give to United Way mean forgone movies, dinners out, or other personal pleasures. In contrast, my family and I will give up nothing we need or want by fulfilling this 99% pledge. Moreover, this pledge does not leave me contributing the most precious asset, which is time.”

Which brings me to something I did get out of Pat Mesiti's talk: Sacrifice. I have time to spare and I do not use enough of it helping others. More on that in another post I think.

And speaking of sacrifice, and this is the real kicker – we were at a kingdom builders lecture – kingdom builders are people who give money to the house above and beyond their tithing. According to Pat, tithing is God's money and does not count as giving to the church. He adamantly proclaimed he wouldn't want God's money in his bank account so he direct debits (hint hint) it out so he never has it a second longer than he should. AND not only is sacrifice not included in your tithes but it doesn't count unless its a SACRIFICE. Love your vintage car? Sell it for the church. Have a boat you use in the summer? Sell it. Whatever you love, Give it to the Lord and the Lord will bless you with undisclosed amounts of prosperity (according to Pat). At the end of the session we were all encouraged to fill out pledges of a minimum of £1000. As people were filling them out, and I was watching the guy in front of me pledge the money from the sale of what I think was his motorcycle, he said “I don't ever do this” (yeah right) “But the Lord is speaking to me, and telling me that there is a person here who is thinking of donating £10,000. So if you have that number in your head, listen to God.”

Finally, if anyone is giving a speech about anything they claim are FACTS, and they say “don't believe me, do the research for yourself!”, don't believe a word they say until you actually DO the research to prove they are right. If someone says that magic phrase, assume they are inaccurate until proven otherwise. I don't think you should feel bad about having money as long as you love god and not your money. I think everyone, not just Christians, should be generous – you don't need to believe in Jesus to help the poor. But to use these concepts in the way that he did, has left me with a bad taste in my mouth both for Pat and for the Hillsong empire.

If you ever want a tattoo

2010-10-04T02:29:00.000-07:00

For anyone who lives in Kelowna BC:

http://gypsyteartattoos.webs.com/aboutjo.htm

This is My best friend Jo. She is an amazing artist. Amazing.

I shaved my head

2010-10-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

Before

After

Immigration

2010-10-01T00:09:00.000-07:00

I know what it is like to grow up in a bubble; little country towns are an insulated sphere where everyone inside thinks that their existence is picturesque, with no need for input, and indeed outside influence is seen as a degradation to their standard of living so they resent it. I like to make fun of Americans for saying “God bless America” when they have no idea what the rest of America is like because they have never left their county, let alone the country. But that was essentially the mentality of the people where I grew up; you either loved it or you hated it, and if you hated it you left and if you loved it you never changed.

To me, multiculturalism is important because it is a form of education: it allows us the privilege of comparing different lifestyles, values, and beliefs, make judgments upon them, and deciding for ourselves which parts are better and which are worse. Those decisions should of course be made intelligently, with consideration for the impact of different cultural practices in society and not simply dismissed because of unfamiliarity (or accepted just to be politically correct). Japan may have an overly critical, anxiety based culture, but they have a much higher standard of health and safety than we do, and their elders are not chucked into nursing homes and abandoned to their quick decline and death. Exchange of the best parts of our culture with the best parts of other cultures not only improves both cultures individually, but also allows us an open dialogue for creating a more universal, planet wide standard of values where things like female genital mutilation (or torture, execution ect.) won't be acceptable to ANYONE.

The idea of keeping people (whom we have otherwise determined as worthy of citizenship) that are from countries with abhorrent practices out of our country entirely on the basis that they are from a culture with undesirable practices only enables them further. This is because, without aggressive tactics like guns pointed at heads or residential schools, there needs to be natural, intermediary steps to cultural changes. My mother, as a first generation Canadian, is the intermediary step not only between three generations of women, but between two totally different cultures. As far as these abhorrent practices go, the next step could be (and usually is) people who share many of the same values as their home country (or in some cases just older generations) but condemn the worst practices outright, and slowly migrate away from others.

Now I also think isolationism by immigrants within their host country is a problem, because they are creating a micro-country within a new country where they continue these abhorrent practices like honour killing their daughters. These communities build huge social walls and have suspicion for outsiders and their unfamiliar culture. But the answer to this is not for the host country to then create its OWN huge walls and suspicion for outsiders as macrocosm response to immigrants. A screening method that indicates a potential immigrants desire to assimilate is a good idea (or perhaps a better indicator would be the lack of desire to assimilate and screen AGAINST that). However you must take into consideration how slow a process of natural assimilation is, and that the culture sharing will and, in my opinion, should inevitably go both ways.

Peace, Love, Unity, Respect

Trip to france

2010-09-26T06:46:00.000-07:00

Jeff, lucky man, got invited to a science conference on Île d'Oléron (the island of Oleron. So we decided to make a trip of it!!!

First we went to York, England. We met up with Jeff's sister and her brand new husband as they wrapped up their honey moon. It was a really really wonderful visit. We wandered around, chatted, and at El Piano, a delightful vegan restaurant whose food is much better that their website.

Here's a neat tip: A sign is just a sign unless there are faces in it!!

Then we went to Tours, France.

Le Hotel de Ville

There is a little bit of every colour of the rainbow in this pic!

The next day we went on an excursion to the Château d' Azay le Rideau

The castle

Its reflection

And then we went to Château de Villandry, which has (reportedly) the second best gardens after the palace of Versailles.

We spent most of our alloted time running around in the gardens, and had to race through the castle at the very end!!

Unfortunately we don't have any pics of the conference because our camera battery ran out and we kept forgetting to borrow an adapter. But it was a lot of fun!

My relationship

2010-09-12T01:09:00.000-07:00

Me:Do you think X about me?
Him:no.
Me:Its okay if you do.
Him:Really?
Me:maybe its not.
Him:I didn't think so.
Me: It's not okay, but I would still rather know the truth. {pause} Or maybe I just want you to know that I think that you think X, So you can tell me that you don't.
Him: So you want me to lie? (He's potentially talking about a future encounter, but to me is admitting he does think X)
Me: no. *cries* (Thinking: I just want you to tell me what I want to hear. And for it to be true.)

A little about me

2010-09-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

Whitney over at Glamlife had this on her blog.
I figure since my blog is new I'd post some interesting things.

1. If you could have any superpower what would you have? Why?
I would love to heal people just by touching them.

2. Who is your style icon?
My best friend Twyla has the best style I've ever seen on any living person. And she does it without trying (or at least trying to be stylish) she has no set “look” and can go from grunge to glam on any given day, but everything she wears is unmistakably HER

Other style icons would be Emma Watson and Natalie Portman

3. What is your favorite quote?

I have a bunch but they never come to mind when I'm put on the spot like this.

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you did’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

4. What is the best compliment you've ever received?

Any compliment that is very spontaneous and genuine, or any time someone says I really mean something to them or have inspired or helped them.

5.What play list/CD is your CD player/iPod right now?
I'm listening to my tunes from the 90's play list, featuring the awesome eclectic mix of Pearl Jam, Sheryl Crow, The Black Eyed Peas (before Fergie Ferg), Alanis Morisset, and Kris Kross **Juump!** Actually the mix is even more varied than that, so check it out

6. Are you a night owl or a morning person?
It was 7:45 AM when I started this. 'Nough said.

7. Do you prefer cats or dogs?
I like small dogs and cats that act like big dogs. I grew up with big dogs and as much as I loved both of them and really enjoyed their personalities, they are always knocking you over and stepping on your toes.

8.What is the meaning behind your blog name?
I'm like a baby bird, I can't fly but I'm going to some day. I just need to learn how!

Rules to live by:

2010-09-05T02:04:00.000-07:00

A few rules.

1.Never stop thinking. This is important. If someone ever says to you ‘You need to stop thinking so much,’ call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have, if you stop using it, it will atrophy. Question everything.

2. Stare into space blankly and don’t mentally punish yourself for doing it, even if it is for that split second. If you have a problem with staring blankly, think of it as daydreaming.

3. Root Beer sucks after having spicy food.

4. Everything is going to be just fine. If you worry about acne, you’re going to get a fucking pimple.

5. Don’t be afraid to talk about anything. You shouldn’t be afraid of reality.

6. Everyone is a hypocrite.

7. You are all original. Every life experience is case sensitive and unique. Every time you wake up or go to the bathroom or quote someone else, you are becoming more you than anyone has ever been.

8. Do pointless things. Don’t actively restrain or hide yourself from the redundant.

9. Stop rushing. Shut up and embrace the sound of silence.

10. Religion shouldn’t be taught, it should be found. No one should tell you what to believe except you. And while were on the subject…

11. Don’t be restrained by one religion. People change every moment of everyday. Minds grow and evolve. Religion has no law so feel free to mix and match. Make your own.

12. Going to the bathroom is not a right nor a privilege. it’s an act of nature.

13. Talking to yourself is healthy. Is there anyone that you have more in common with?

14. There is no such thing as time. The sun never sets or rises. Days and years don’t exist. There is only your life. Earlier today you were born and death is predicted later in the evening.

15. We will always be in a transitional phase. Look outside and know that everything will be replaced at some point. This existence is temporary.

16. Its not half empty or half full. Its half a glass.

17. Every now and then take something that you see everyday and try to see it in a different light. Renew its existence.

18. Be happy, but don’t force it.

19. You will always succeed in trying.

20. We are all crazy. Every person you read about in the history books had some kind of ‘disorder’, they just knew how to use it.

21. We are all about as similar as we are different.

22. Ideas are just as valuable as people. Why do you think we keep making people?

87. Numbers don’t have to go in order.

24. Words will always be just words. Love is just another four letter word, only the feeling is real.

25. Ask a child for advice. They may not know much, but they know what is important.

26. Prove you’re alive. Do anything from dancing in the supermarket to screaming ‘Fuck’ during a moment of silence. Remind the world you are still here.

27. Don’t take anything, even this, too seriously.

Reposted from tickshady

Born again. Twice.

2010-08-16T04:16:00.000-07:00

I went to a Baptist church today. It was nice. The minister took the congregation through some psalms, taught us how they were written and what their purpose was (the message being to tell God what is in your heart, good or bad, because He can take it) and we even got a try at writing some psalm like praise of our own at the end (mine was really bad but some people wrote good ones). I really like some of the songs in the baptist praise book. Very beautiful.

I also went to the C7 church again. I did their life group (bible study) on Tuesday, and then they had a leadership night on Friday because a pastor from Virginia came, so he did the leadership night and he did the sermon today.

Here's the thing though: last week when I went, there was a point where everyone bowed their heads and the minister said something like "whoever is wanting to welcome Jesus into their hearts raise their hand and we'll pray for you". So I raised my hand because hey, I want Jesus in my heart. And I really felt good about that church experience because afterward the temporary minister came up and gave me a copy of their bible and had a wee chat with me. I thought they were giving me the bible because I was new and I felt really welcomed.

Then this week the visiting minister said something like "whoever wants to be a christian and help lead others to Jesus' love (that was the topic of the sermon) raise your hand." And the sermon had been really inspiring, and I felt like even though I'm maybe not ready to DO it I certainly WANT to be in a place where I can do it, and since he said "want to be" and not "are", I raised my hand, and prayed for serenity. We all had our heads bowed and eyes closed so I'm thinking pretty much every one is doing it, or say, the people who had a rough week or the people who had a religious experience would do it; not that it would be a contrived motion but that it is a common occurrence.

So anyways, I raised my hand last week, and I raised my hand this week. After the service a woman came up to me and just kind of asked me what had moved me to raise my hand and I said I'd been reading the bible a lot and found it inspiring so I would want to pass that inspiration on to others. So she said that was great and we said a prayer together, which I thought was nice, and she went to give me a bible. I told her I had gotten one last week. She got this weird look on her face and was like "you didn't you raise your hand last week too did you?" And I could tell something was wrong but I said yes, because I had. WELL turns out C7 is a born again church where all you need to be born again is to raise your hand!! Which isn't necessarily a bad thing per se but then she got mad at me, like I had somehow tricked her out of a prayer or something. She wasn't irate but I could tell she was thoroughly unimpressed. And that was embarrassing for me. I eventually just got rid of that bad feeling by thinking about how she is in a way lucky to be able to take for granted things regarding the church, and that as time goes on she will probably meet more and more people who haven't had a lot of exposure. Maybe I just caught her off guard but by being honest with her she'll be better at dealing with it next time. Hopefully.

But truthfully, also I kind of feel tricked. Like, I have a very new relationship with Jesus and that relationship is between me and Him. I feel like whats in my heart is a little baby faith that I need to feed and protect and take care of so it can become a kid sized faith and go exploring and then an adult faith where I can really be confident and enter the world with conviction. And I truly feel the full potential of my faith even by just knowing a part of it. I feel like by not understanding what the purpose of "raising my hand" was, I advertised myself as being something I'm not. And became born again. Twice. And I'm not really ready to be born again or baptized or anything until I've got adult sized faith. Or even a kid faith, but not a baby faith.

It just really stressed me out. So I went to the park and read some psalms because I had learned about them that morning. And I felt a lot better. And now I REALLY know what psalms are for! haha. I guess the Lord works in blatantly obvious ways!!!!

100 Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do - the rebuttle - Part 1

2010-06-27T10:59:00.000-07:00

As a waitress, I really enjoy reading The Bitchy Waiter rant and rave about the food service industry.

However he posted a rant about this sorry excuse for an article and I didn't feel it was quite in depth ENOUGH.

To start off it's written by a pretentious man (his "article" starts with the phrase "Herewith") who is opening a sea food restaurant. Granted, there are a few 5 star seafood restaurants at the fine dining level, but if I'm at a place charging £40 for entres, I expect them to be able to cook ANYTHING. And this list demonstrates a level of mandate only acceptable at the type of establishment where they charge £40 or more per entre.

1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.
The awkward phrasing of this suggests barring entrance with a "no entry till smiled at" sign. otherwise, a warm friendly greeting is always appreciated. I would like to point out that I have had customers walk past my warm friendly greeting and SEAT THEMSELVES, which is beyond rude. And on that note, what about a list of things diners should never do? Servers are *generally* far better behaved than the customers we have to deal with. Period.

2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar. Step one, ask if they have a reservation. If they have one it will say just one, if they don't, this is when they will say how many people the table will be for, whether it is one or ten. You will never need a step two. Don't segregate single diners in the bar that's ridiculous. Also don't stick them next to the bathroom or bussing station – they don't have anyone to talk to to distract them from the crappy setting.

3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived. WE don't refuse to seat partially arrived tables, owners mandate rules like that so the customers will drink at the bar while waiting. I agree its ridiculous but to blame the server is ignorant: servers get in trouble if they don't follow the rules. Ironic that a stead fast rule-maker doesn't know that.

4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right. Since when has it been up to the waiter whether or not to offer free food and drink? This is for the management to decide, not the employees.

5. Tables should be level without anyone asking. Fix it before guests are seated. LEVEL?? As in, all legs the same length??? What kind of rickshaw seafood shack are you trying to run Mr. Bruce??

6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral. If there isn't already water on the table, and you want water, specify if you want bottled. Realize if I ask you if you WANT bottled you will accuse me of trying to upsell.

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness. If there is a table of 8 or more people I will automatically give them my name. Providing a name deals with that awkward hand wave where the customer wants to say something but has nothing to say during the time they would otherwise use my name. Providing my name also means they can either compliment or complain about my service to a manager if they feel the need. If the table is full of people who are jovial or flirtatious, I will reciprocate with an appropriate level of banter. Fun people don't want robot zombie slaves.

In fact. That whole statement is dehumanizing. I’m not your slave and if I want to complement somebody I will.

8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment. Except some people never stop talking. They don't want to stop talking because they are having a fluid, seamless conversation, but they also want their orders to be taken, and will happily pause the conversation when their server arrives. With more than 3 customers you also run the risk of having multiple conversations running at the same time. (We'll get to the whole reciting specials debacle later)

9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition. Specials should be written down for customers, either on a board or printed nicely and inserted into the menus. Its a waste of my time to list them all off one or more times and it's rude to the customer to expect them to remember them after one "recital"

10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.

11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left. If there is a table of ten and there are only two lobsters left, I will damn well inform them there are only two before all ten decide they want lobster that night and get disgruntled.

12. Do not touch the rim of a water glass. Or any other glass. Duh. Dirty.

13. Handle wine glasses by their stems and silverware by the handles. Again, Dirty.

14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.

15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.” ....Nah...I'm just going to stand and wait for you to say ‘Well, could you find out?’. *rolls eyes*

16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait. Yes, yes, yes, BUT some people are accustomed to “fast bussing” and will also think service is bad when they have an empty plate in left front of them. If the plates are being pushed out of the way I'll clear them because they obviously want more room at the table.

18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?” I can memorize about 10 faces. If you are a party of 14-20 and/or you all order starters, mains, and sides, and/or then proceed to switch seats or mingle I won't even bother trying to remember who ordered what. Also if its a different server bringing your food than taking your order don't be offended she didn't remember you.

19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread. Or just give it to them and let them chose to not use it. Customers can't deal with too many options. I'm also going to use this juncture to point out that you shouldn't call people “guests” when they pay for service. I don't charge guests to eat dinner in my home, I only put up with shit if you pay me to.

20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another. Except when it says on the menu NO SUBSTITUTIONS. This varies from place to place but generally substitutions are a pain in the but for the kitchen, especially when there are some dishes that are pre-prepared a certain way. If the kitchen refuses a substitution there is a reason to so don't shoot the messenger.

21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong. Here I think its only fair to point out that Mr. Bruce is opening a SEA FOOD RESTAURANT. Now, the palatability of seafood is completely a matter of taste (I used to be a big seafood fan) but it ALL looks creepy and wrong.

22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.

23. If someone likes a wine, steam the label off the bottle and give it to the guest with the bill. It has the year, the vintner, the importer, etc. HAHAHAHAHA. Ohhhhh Mr. Bruce, Mr. crabshack. I laugh in the face of your neurosis. Unless you employ someone whose sole responsibility is recommending/pouring wine, this is the stupidest idea ever committed to pixels. No one has time to do that, and more importantly, naebody cares.

24. Never use the same glass for a second drink. I think we've established your business is beyond the level of "free refills"

25. Make sure the glasses are clean. Inspect them before placing them on the table.

26. Never assume people want their white wine in an ice bucket. Inquire. Never give customers more options than they can handle. If they want an exception to the rule they should ask and not burden the rest of the dining public with their idiosyncrasies.

27. For red wine, ask if the guests want to pour their own or prefer the waiter to pour.

28. Do not put your hands all over the spout of a wine bottle while removing the cork.

29. Do not pop a champagne cork. Remove it quietly, gracefully. The less noise the better. There is a graceful way to open champagne??

30. Never let the wine bottle touch the glass into which you are pouring. No one wants to drink the dust or dirt from the bottle.

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong. OBVIOUSLY....unless they weren't all that hungry to begin with. I watch my customers to gauge whether they are enjoying their food. If something went wrong it should have been caught long before the plate clearing stage, and I don't think anyone should feel obligated to explain their eating habits to their server. It's essentially the poor etiquette inverse to saying “I guess you must be hungry!”

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them. Studies show that servers who touch diners get bigger tips, and customers that I have built a rapport with (you can do that when you interact with customers like they are people not paychecks) will sometimes get a light touch on the shoulder. Nothing molesty.

33. Do not bang into chairs or tables when passing by. Yeah, because I bump the corners of tables and chairs accidentally on purpose.

34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers. Admittedly, this is one of my pet peeves too, especially since the people who stand around talking are SKIVERS, but, if you are eating outside of peak times, you cannot expect servers to mutely go about their cleaning chores. The best places to work are ones where you work with people you get along with. You should be wary of an establishment where servers glare at each other.

35. Do not eat or drink in plain view of guests. If I have a full and busy section I do not have time to go to the back of house to grab a sip of water. I will make it discreet but it just has to be done.

36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage. This applies to EVERYONE, not just servers. If I have to hold my breath to get close to you, you ain't getting quality service.

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice. I don't drink but that doesn't mean everyone else should suffer.

38.Do not call a guy a “dude.” But GUY??? Guy is okay?? try “never call a MAN a dude” you numptie.

39. Do not call a woman “lady.” A female is a woman but a woman is not necessarily a lady. Although being the New York Times I can excuse that in lieu of the ever popular “Hey lady!” you hear people say. Miss, Madam, or Ma'm are all fine.

40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad. Unless the customer sat there for 5 mins “debating” between multiple dishes in which case ANY choice is a good choice.

41. Saying, “No problem” is a problem. It has a tone of insincerity or sarcasm. “My pleasure” or “You’re welcome” will do. I'd love to land a nice Scottish “Nae Bother” on you sir!!

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else. Feeling left out Mr. Bruce?

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant. When I dine out I am quite interested in my waiter’s favourite dessert. The dessert menus are quite small in comparison to the rest of the menu so its good to have some advice. Are you so possessive of puddings that you cannot stand the thought of favourites? They are not children, some really are better than others. This is also where, as a server, you get to recommend the BEST options (if say, for instance, you know the hot chocolate brownie is fresh out of the oven but the apple crumble will be a re-heat)

44. Do not discuss your own eating habits, be you vegan or lactose intolerant or diabetic. As a vegan, I spend a lot of time lying to customers about how good the ____ meat dish is. I know people can be indecisive and want a little nudge and someone to blame their poor taste on.

45. Do not curse, no matter how young or hip the guests. If one of my tables drops an f-bomb I'll counter with a crap-shit-bloody or bastard.

46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal. Yeah, until they prove otherwise.

47. Do not gossip about co-workers or guests within earshot of guests.

48. Do not ask what someone is eating or drinking when they ask for more; remember or consult the order. As a customer it's not hard to ad "Pino Grigio" to "May I please have another..."

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.

50.Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout. In the UK credit cards have a pin number just like debit cards do, so you have to bring the machine over to the table to run the bill. On a busy night, the excruciatingly long time that machine takes to work is often the only time I get to engage in a real conversation with the customers. I'm not trying to inflate my tips.